When this process started I convinced myself that I was not doing this to see a smaller number on the scale or the tag on my clothes. I weighed myself as a progress check, but the more numbers that fell off, the more addicting it became. I crave weight loss, but how much? How much can I handle? How hard can I go before I break?
That's the fear; that's the way I conceptualize where this is going. I see myself as having a wall around me and to cross it or break through is impossible, if not dangerous. I live within this boundary, afraid of the pain that is awaiting for me on the other side. I'm certain that going out of my box is the first step towards failure. But now I want to really question that and consider whether I'm underestimating those boundaries.
Maybe pain and danger aren't right in this case. Failure is the key word here. I'm so afraid of discovering my limit that I don't know if I've ever really tried to find it. The past few weeks I've found myself busier than I have been in quite a while. I haven't had the time or ability to go to the gym, and my determination to eat healthy has faltered. Is this okay? Am I allowing myself those realistic set backs? I said that I would. I said that I wanted to achieve what was reasonable, what was my small victories. But where has that lead me? I've lost 7 lbs. in 4 months. That's nothing. That's almost laughable. Sure, if this continues it could lead to a big number, but the way I've been lately has me thinking that the day the scale reads that magic number will never happen.
So what do I do? Where do I push? With every doable suggestion that crosses my brain, I cannot help but think about the failure. Right now the wall I'm hitting is the one that's telling me that even if I go all out and lose 2 lbs. a week until I hit the magic number, what happens a year from that day? How long can I really keep that up? I'll never be able to maintain that weight and I don't think I can handle another round of weight gain.
Today at the gym I had all of this in mind. I wanted to try it out. I normally do about 100 crunches, usually 25 at a time until I hit 100. I was reaching 20, feeling the burn in my stomach, the acid creeping up my esophagus, but I made it to 50 before I fell back. I did finish 100. Later on the treadmill I wanted to test how long I could jog at once. I normally can only keep up speed for about 30 seconds before I let myself walk. I had a goal of 1 minute. It quickly turned into 2. I stopped at 3.
These aren't rhetorical questions. Any suggestions or advice is most welcome. I want to try out different suggestions and find something that seems to work.
My biggest problem was never pushing myself enough, and I found that I gave myself too many passes. For exercise, I had a friend come up with a workout schedule for me to try for one week; and tried workout videos at home so that I couldn't just say 'I ran for 20 minutes, that's pretty good, I'm tired, I'll stop'. I had to follow a strict schedule and that helped a lot. Food is still my weakness, but it's getting better. You say "I'll never be able to maintain that weight" and I think that's where you're wrong. If you're working on developing healthier eating habits, it will become less of a diet one year from now and more of just your new, healthier lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, the weight you lost isn't laughable - it's noticeable and impressive!