I can't believe that it was just about a year ago that I decided to get serious about my health. My New Years Resolution for 2012 was to get healthy, and now that the year is over, I can finally say that I've accomplished this goal. In the spirit of honest sharing and reflection, I am excited to share some details on what this all means for me.
Because of my bad blogger habits, this is going to be a bit of a long post, I'm first going to list how this process has changed me physically, I'll next review some details on how I've changed mentally and emotionally. Finally, I want to look ahead at some ideas of what's to come for 2013. I'll also likely end this post with a renewed commitment to write more, which I inevitably will fail (hey, a girl has to maintain some imperfections), but I want to encourage my readers to ask me questions or request topics for future posts. This is a tell-all blog and I'm happy to discuss what's on your mind.
Physical Change
Let's start with a little imagery:
Left: December 2011, Right: December 2012 (I've lost another 2 lbs since then)
Initial Stats
Weight (Late December 2011):About 190 lbs
Measurements (in inches--February 12, 2012):
- Bust: 40
- Right arm: 14
- Left arm: 15
- Waist: 35
- Stomach: 40
- Hips: 45
- Right thigh: 27
- Left thigh: 26.5
- Top: XL (though I had purchased an XXL)
- Bottom: Large 14s
- Dress: XL or 14-16
New Stats
Weight (December 31, 2012):167 lbs. (minus 23 lbs.) In only three more pounds, I will be the smallest I've ever been since I began tracking my weight.
Measurements (in inches--December 31, 2012):
- Bust:37 (minus three inches)
- Right arm: 14 (no change :( )
- Left arm: 14 (minus one inch)
- Waist: 31 (minus four inches)
- Stomach: 38 (minus two inches)
- Hips: 43 (minus two inches)
- Right thigh: 25.5 (minus one and a half inches)
- Left thigh: 25 (minus one and a half inches)
- Total loss: 15 inches!!
- Top: M
- Bottom: 10
- Dress: (haven't tried on dresses since I fit perfectly into size 12, 6 lbs ago)
I'm running. Well, I'm mostly jogging, but one day I will run without pause. I have increased my weight on the lat pulldown machine from 40 lbs to 80. I can also bench press 40 lbs (this one has proven a bigger challenge). And best of all, I have accomplished what I call my secret goal. For the first time in my life I can touch my toes. Even as a child I couldn't manage it and now, for all of 5 seconds, if I breathe in and brace myself, it really happens.
Mental and Emotional Change
What an unbelievable year this has been. In so many ways, this year has been one of the most significant years of my life. Personally, professionally, and physically I've been through so much. When I started this journey I was looking to tip-toe into some small changes that would improve my physical health. There was of course some vanity as well. I generally accepted and appreciated my looks, but I knew I could look better with some weight loss, but most of all I wanted to feel better about who I was. I hated that I was always the fattest girl in the room, that I was tired all the time, and that I would run out of breath from walking up a flight of stairs. At the same time, I was also stubborn and in some denial about all of this. I was convinced that the things I heard about healthy eating and exercise were somehow unfair, somehow false and set an impossible standard for average women to live up to. I was proud of my curves. My husband loved them and I had begun to occasionally enjoy them too. I fantasized about being some kind of plus-sized spokeswoman, speaking out for voluptuous women like myself.Now I recognize this denial. It was hard for me to appreciate the connection between what I was doing to my body and what that meant for my health. I focused on the fact that my size was only slightly bigger than average and ignored that not only was that an inaccurate picture of my health, but that average sizes in the US do not equal healthy sizes. I still believe in curves. In fact, I've learned that the only way to get through this process is to just love my body for exactly what it is, despite the wobbly bulges and the gigantic, slightly lopsided, pear shape. In fact, in a few more pounds, I plan to show a bit more skin in my pictures. I hope to feel confident enough to share my stretch marks on my stomach (I don't care if you don't want to see it, I'll show it to you anyway).
I'm more confident than I've ever been. This is not simply a lose weight =confidence equation. I feel free to be myself. I do some silly squats and make what have been referred to as "sex sounds" when I work out...in front of people I don't know. I do it because I want to, because the motions make my legs strong and the noises somehow make me feel more powerful.
I'm also happier than I've ever been. I have had anxiety and depression on and off pretty much forever (who hasn't though, right?). Sometimes, including a few times this year, it got pretty intense to where I didn't want to get out of bed each day. But somehow I made it through. This year it was all too obvious to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mood is much more stable and I know that it has been a direct result of just getting physical activity, leaving out the thrill of reaching goals.
I also want to express how grateful I am for all of the support I've received this year. The smiles, the well wishes, the thoughts of encouragement, and most of all the discussions and insights on health issues have all kept me going this year. I specifically want to thank my coworkers for being a first line of support. Not only were they the first ones to notice that I was losing weight, but they were often right there with me to cheer me on and offer tips and suggestions. My husband has also been my biggest fan this year. He works out with me, eats the healthy food, and helps me question (and sometimes give into) cravings as needed.
Looking ahead
Losing weight and getting healthy has taught me how much weight I have to lose to actually be healthy. When this year started I truly believed (but never would have admitted) that by this time those small steps would have lead to me weighing in at the dream weight of somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 lbs. I'm obviously no where near that. I haven't given up this dream goal, but I also haven't determined that it will ever become an actual goal. I've been asked how much more I want to lose and the truth is I don't know. I know that I'm capable of losing much much more, but because I haven't looked at these numbers on the scale since before I developed breasts, I just don't know what my adult body needs. I'm not yet looking at a final number, just taking it one obtainable goal at a time. Right now I want to lose 20 more pounds. Once that happens I'll re-evaluate what else needs to happen.I guess that's my big resolution for 2013. For the first time in my life it's not "get healthy," it's, "stay healthy." In the last few weeks I've been on the South Beach Diet, and I look forward to continuing this as my vehicle for better health.
I also have a new NYR that I'm still ironing out. I want to develop better coping skills. In the past I've coped with stress and depression with food and sleep, and this of course lead me down a destructive path. I'm hoping to start graduate school this year, which will accompany a pretty large move and a significant decrease in our income. I worry about how I will cope with this stress and I have a few months to start to build some new skills.
I also hope (though can't promise) that I'll write in my blog more. Perhaps I can commit to once a month. I clearly need to do an update on how my actual diet and exercise has changed because there are some pretty big differences there that I can share.
That's all for this year. Thank you for your support, and I wish you the best of luck meeting your health goals for 2013!
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