Baby steps

I've ran three times since last week!  The first was a desperately hard half mile run.  And today and yesterday I've enjoyed two roughly 1.5 milers.  I'm proud of myself for getting back into it, and I'm excited to see what this summer brings.

My run today was great.  I woke up not really feeling into it (I'm typically a morning runner).  But tonight after Isaac went to work, I dragged myself out of bed and did a little shuffle out of the house.  I ran a different route (pretty slow).  Then at the end, after I had walked for a bit, I sprinted the last quarter mile back to my house.  Luckily, someone actually filmed that part of my run (see below).

Seriously though, I need to remind myself every day how much I love myself when I run.  And I plan to make it a bigger part of my life once again.  In an effort to start rebuilding the habit of running, I'm toying with the idea of doing a running streak.  Several friends of mine posted about doing it in December (bravo if you were one of them).  May is such a perfect month for running.  Not too hot or too cold, though I imagine that the rain will be a deterrent.  I'm still creating my own rules, but basically the challenge is to run every day for the month.  I've seen online that the minimum is one mile, but I think my body might not tolerate that, so I'm thinking of a half mile minimum.  The idea is that just by doing it every day, I'll build it back into my lifestyle.  I hope then that it will continue through the summer and stick with me when school starts back up again.  If you're interested, I found this article to be quite interesting on running streaks.

This week I have one day in the field and two days at school.  Then I have the next week and a half OFF!  Woohoo!  What a great time to really kick this whole thing off and focus on me again!  This is going to be a great summer!

Let's Get Down to Business

Okay gang, I'm back with new healthy goals for the summer.  My first year of graduate school ends in 1.5 weeks, and it's time for me to get back to the body I love.  It's not that I am totally back to my old habits (though the four pieces of pizza and slice of cake yesterday would beg to differ), but I'm not working at my best.  I am much happier with a veggie-based diet and regular exercise.

Since the fall, my weight has fluctuated a bit.  I started grad school around 138 lbs.  By the end of first semester, I was around 143.  Nothing huge, but noticeable.  I took winter break to get down to 135 (for like a minute before I started creeping up again).  I've spent this semester below 140,
but I want more.

And because I do my best work with weight loss goals, I've decided that this summer is about habit building and losing 10 lbs.  I want to run again, I want to work out and eat fresh food.  With no homework again until August, my body will once again become a priority.  Today I ran for the first time in months.  I couldn't even do half a mile!  But I will not give up.  I will rebuild on my old habits, and hopefully by building those now, I will be much better able to maintain them next school year!

Thanks for all of your support as I work on this again!

Better late than never

Hello again blogging world!

Sorry for the brief hiatus.  I meant to write on the first but was honestly feeling unhappy with where my body was.  I had been hoping to write a glorious post about how I met a new fitness milestone.  Instead I will simply write that after two years I remain in the best shape of my life and can truly say that I'm a different person.  Because I'm proud of how far I've come, I want to share the details and then get into what it all means.

Numbers
I wanted to show progression here, so I've laid out my measurements over the last two years.

Weight
(Late December 2011):  About 190 lb. 
12/31/12: 167
1/16/13: 137 lb.
Total loss: -53 lb.

Measurements (in inches)
Body Part            2/12/12                  12/31/12                        1/16/13                    Total Loss
Bust:                      40,                           37,                                 33.5                             -6.5
Right arm:             14,                           14,                                  12                                -2
Left arm:               15,                           14,                                  12                                - 3
Waist:                    35,                            31,                                  27                               -8
Stomach:               40,                            38,                                 33.5                            -6.5
Hips:                     45,                            43,                                 39                                -6
Right thigh:           27,                          25.5,                                22.5                            -4.5
Left thigh:            26.5,                         25,                                   22                              -4.5
Total loss                                                                                                                       -41 inches

Clothing sizes
Top:                   XL/XXL,                    M,                                 S/XS                       -5 sizes
Bottom:              XL/14-16,                 L/10,                             S/M/4-6                     -5 sizes
Dress:                XL/14-16,                    12,                                  S/4-6                     -5 sizes

Not a fan of this one,  from 1/1/14

Feb 2012

Internal changes
It is no exaggeration to say that I am a different person.  When I think about who I was two years ago, or who I was at 17 and almost 200 lbs, I don't recognize her.  She is becoming a distant memory.

And I don't mean to suggest that I don't want to remember her or that I am embarrassed by her.  Rather, I am attempting to integrate that person into who I am today, one whole individual with faults and difficulties and a newly-formed, slammin bod.

More than the physical change, my mentality is totally different.  I love myself in ways I never dreamed possible.  Today I described part of my journey to a colleague.  I mentioned that I was disappointed with the lack of progress in my still rather large arms.  And then I was horrified when she suggested that I one day undergo plastic surgery to get my body to where I want it.

The truth is that with all of my faults I remain a perfect human.  Not in the way that photoshopped models in magazines are perfect but in the fact that the miracle of human life exists within me and pulses through every inch of my human body.  Every scar, flab, stretch mark, and section of dimpled flesh comes together to give me the power to be who I am.  I write papers with these stubby dry fingers; read and research social problems with my dark-circle/crows feet ridden eyes; I speak to survivors of domestic violence and their children with these cracked lips.  More than these physical imperfections I have an incredible brain that equally troubles me with forgotten memories, jumbled speech, and terrible math skills and still makes me who I am, all of those things combined.

Sure, I'm not totally there yet.  My mood swings still sweep me off my feet and land me in bed from time to time, but they are fewer and far between.  And sure, I gained five pounds during the semester, but I took it back off and I will continue to allow the occasional indulgence to balance out hours of stress related to school and work.

It's an incredible thing to discover yourself within yourself.  She's been there the whole time, buried below layers of traumatic memories and self deprecation.  I'm just so happy to have gotten this far.

A post like this deserves a cute pic of me (summer 2013)

The road ahead
I don't think I'm done yet.  School has caused me to step back in my activity level, you know, so I don't fail.  Well, I haven't failed yet so I'd like to find a way to succeed both in my academic goals as well as my mental/physical health goals.  I've signed up for a fitness program at school where they give you an assessment and tell you to work out for 150 mins/week for three months and measure the end result.  I think I can do it, my heart sure wants me to.

The bottom line is that every day is filled with choices.  I can choose to be healthy or I can choose to fall back on unhealthy patterns.  Each choice really is a challenge and I celebrate every good one, no matter how small.  I'd like to say I'll post more, but the odds of that are slim.  I will say that I hope that anyone reading this can take away that with all the pain and the struggle that I've been through, it really is possible and worth it to change your life into something more positive, whatever that means.  What looks like a mountain at first glance becomes a series of small steps that takes you to where you want to be.  I'll never stop climbing.

Enjoying life (Sept 2013)

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Friends, I have had some exciting news to share with you all for the past week.  Most of you know that about a week ago, a few friends and I completed a 5k.  I think I'll wait to post about that event in a later post.

For now, I want to share with you all that I did it.  Earlier this year I decided to set my weight goal at 145 pounds, or the start of the "healthy weight range" according to the BMI scale.  Today I write you weighing in at 144.  I'm wearing size small and 4/6s.

 

It's strange being here.  I've reached my goal but I still feel like I have quite a ways to go.  I feel so good about where I am.  I am a new woman.  In so many ways I have been reborn.

As a symbolic gesture of where I've been over the last few months, I've done something today that I've been preparing for since the beginning.  Today, I chopped off all my hair.

I've had cropped hair before.  When I was a kid my Granny would cut it up to my chin every summer.  2007 was the last time I had short hair because every time I saw my reflection in the mirror I was horrified at how fat my face looked with the cut.  I kept hearing JK Rowling describing Harry's cousin Dudley as, "a pig in a wig."  Since then I've looked on with envy at all the gorgeous short haircuts out there.  Now, at a healthy weight, I am no longer that girl.  I am in charge of my body, in charge of my cravings, in charge of my hair.  I love it.

So close, but right on schedule

Hello friends!

March is coming to a close and I'm very happy to report an exciting milestone.  I've now lost 40 lbs (and 30 inches!)!  That's right, as of this morning I'm weighing in at exactly 150.0.  This means I'm only 5 lbs away from a healthy weight range.  I can't quite put this feeling into words.  I've never been more proud of myself.  It's like I've climbed a mountain; just over a year ago I never thought I could live like this.  Now this is my life.  I'm the healthy one that people ask for advice.  I'm the one being called an inspiration.  More than that, I'm taking steps towards becoming the person I always wanted to be. 

I always pictured myself as being very active and adventurous, but my weight and accompanying physical limitations kept me from realizing that.  I fantasized about running through the woods, kayaking on the ocean, rock climbing, exploring new territories.  I watched movies about people who did those things, passively exploring the life that I could never have.  That disconnect has been partly responsible for years of depression.  My body wouldn't allow me to be the person that my brain admired.  I know I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I've ever been.

This hasn't been easy, but I'm so excited for this post next month that I actually start to love the challenge.

What's Changed

As some of you may know, my husband was recently in Uganda for almost two months.  Before he left I decided to take that time as an opportunity to put myself first.  I had been in a weight loss rut for about 6 months and I was determined to get out of it.  I had been pushing myself harder in the gym and that wasn't doing anything for me so I decided to take a renewed look at the way I eat.  I thought about the last time I lost 30 pounds, when I was in high school.  I recall that it fell off with minimal effort.  At the time my sister was home cooking food under the South Beach Diet, and while I was still eating what I wanted away from home the weight came off. 

So I started to do a little research to figure out if it was something I could do again (spoiler alert: I did).  While I still don't claim to know the intricacies of the diet, I do know that it's comprised of three phases.  The first two weeks are the strictest.  During this phase your body goes through detox to help get rid of the cravings for the crappy food you (I) normally eat by avoiding any carbohydrates, certain fats, and foods that are high on the glycemic index, like fruit.  After two weeks you move to phase two where you incorporate some of those foods back into your diet, like whole grains, most fruit and good fats until you reach your ideal weight and then in phase three you maintain your weight by only eating crappy food in moderation (I think that's about once a week, maybe less).

Two weeks didn't seem so bad.  I gave phase one a try and lost six pounds!  The weight just fell off and it really boosted my confidence/determination.  I hadn't intended to continue to phase two but I think I'm basically in phase two now.

Since this time I've been going a different route.  After watching a few amazing nutritional documentaries like Forks Over Knives, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, and Hungry For Change (all of which are available on Netflix), I've started thinking about food a little differently.  I've come to realize that I had been addicted to sugar, and that this addiction was going to kill me.  I stopped trying to maintain the South Beach Diet and instead looked towards transitioning to a whole foods, plant based diet.  Since this time I'm losing 1-2 pounds a week.  Every time I look in the mirror I'm a different person and I'm only about 8 pounds away from the "healthy" region of the BMI.

More than anything I'm just really proud of myself.  I've had cakes, cookies, candies, chocolates all waved in front of my eyes but I've only given in to temptation maybe twice in two months, and even then it was in moderation.  The best part is to discover that once you get started it's actually very easy to keep up with.  It just takes a little planning and creativity, and the key is to never let yourself get hungry.  I know what it's like to eat convenience foods and to allow yourself to give into temptation, but believe me when I say that this is so much better.  I am what I eat.  I used to be pounds of sugar, oils, fats, and meat.  Now I'm closer to a cute little zucchini! 

 Let me know if you're giving this a try!  I have a ton of recipes and a Google spreadsheet of meals and menus that I can share with you for ideas!

Overview and Accomplishments of 2012

I can't believe that it was just about a year ago that I decided to get serious about my health.  My New Years Resolution for 2012 was to get healthy, and now that the year is over, I can finally say that I've accomplished this goal.  In the spirit of honest sharing and reflection, I am excited to share some details on what this all means for me.

Because of my bad blogger habits, this is going to be a bit of a long post, I'm first going to list how this process has changed me physically, I'll next review some details on how I've changed mentally and emotionally.  Finally, I want to look ahead at some ideas of what's to come for 2013.  I'll also likely end this post with a renewed commitment to write more, which I inevitably will fail (hey, a girl has to maintain some imperfections), but I want to encourage my readers to ask me questions or request topics for future posts.  This is a tell-all blog and I'm happy to discuss what's on your mind.

Physical Change

Let's start with a little imagery:

Left: December 2011, Right: December 2012 (I've lost another 2 lbs since then)

Initial Stats

Weight (Late December 2011):
About 190 lbs 

Measurements (in inches--February 12, 2012):

• Bust: 40
• Right arm: 14
• Left arm: 15
• Waist: 35
• Stomach: 40
• Hips: 45
• Right thigh: 27
• Left thigh: 26.5

Clothing sizes (Late December 2011, but these sizes had been pretty standard for me for 4-6 or so years):

• Top: XL (though I had purchased an XXL)
• Bottom: Large 14s
• Dress: XL or 14-16

New Stats

Weight (December 31, 2012):

167 lbs. (minus 23 lbs.) In only three more pounds, I will be the smallest I've ever been since I began tracking my weight.

Measurements (in inches--December 31, 2012):

• Bust:37 (minus three inches)
• Right arm: 14 (no change :( )
• Left arm: 14 (minus one inch)
• Waist: 31 (minus four inches)
• Stomach: 38 (minus two inches)
• Hips: 43 (minus two inches)
• Right thigh: 25.5 (minus one and a half inches)
• Left thigh: 25 (minus one and a half inches)
• Total loss: 15 inches!!

Clothing sizes (December 31, 2012(ish)):

• Top: M
• Bottom: 10
• Dress: (haven't tried on dresses since I fit perfectly into size 12, 6 lbs ago)

Truly the best part of this process is discovering my body.  As I lose weight, I'm not shaping myself into someone else's image, rather, I'm uncovering who I really am, below the layers.  I reach up and feel a  collar bone, my belly now actually curves inward (when I suck in and only just before it curves outwards).  I can feel my pelvic bone when in the past I simply had to take their word for its existence.  When I flex, I have these gorgeous muscles.  In a skirt I actually like the way my legs look, for the first time ever.

I'm running.  Well, I'm mostly jogging, but one day I will run without pause.  I have increased my weight on the lat pulldown machine from 40 lbs to 80.  I can also bench press 40 lbs (this one has proven a bigger challenge).  And best of all, I have accomplished what I call my secret goal.  For the first time in my life I can touch my toes.  Even as a child I couldn't manage it and now, for all of 5 seconds, if I breathe in and brace myself, it really happens.

Mental and Emotional Change

What an unbelievable year this has been. In so many ways, this year has been one of the most significant years of my life.  Personally, professionally, and physically I've been through so much.  When I started this journey I was looking to tip-toe into some small changes that would improve my physical health.  There was of course some vanity as well.  I generally accepted and appreciated my looks, but I knew I could look better with some weight loss, but most of all I wanted to feel better about who I was.  I hated that I was always the fattest girl in the room, that I was tired all the time, and that I would run out of breath from walking up a flight of stairs.  At the same time, I was also stubborn and in some denial about all of this.  I was convinced that the things I heard about healthy eating and exercise were somehow unfair, somehow false and set an impossible standard for average women to live up to.  I was proud of my curves.  My husband loved them and I had begun to occasionally enjoy them too.  I fantasized about being some kind of plus-sized spokeswoman, speaking out for voluptuous women like myself.

Now I recognize this denial.  It was hard for me to appreciate the connection between what I was doing to my body and what that meant for my health.  I focused on the fact that my size was only slightly bigger than average and ignored that not only was that an inaccurate picture of my health, but that average sizes in the US do not equal healthy sizes.  I still believe in curves.  In fact, I've learned that the only way to get through this process is to just love my body for exactly what it is, despite the wobbly bulges and the gigantic, slightly lopsided, pear shape.  In fact, in a few more pounds, I plan to show a bit more skin in my pictures.  I hope to feel confident enough to share my stretch marks on my stomach (I don't care if you don't want to see it, I'll show it to you anyway).

I'm more confident than I've ever been.  This is not simply a lose weight =confidence equation.  I feel free to be myself.  I do some silly squats and make what have been referred to as "sex sounds" when I work out...in front of people I don't know.  I do it because I want to, because the motions make my legs strong and the noises somehow make me feel more powerful.

I'm also happier than I've ever been.  I have had anxiety and depression on and off pretty much forever (who hasn't though, right?).  Sometimes, including a few times this year, it got pretty intense to where I didn't want to get out of bed each day.  But somehow I made it through.  This year it was all too obvious to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mood is much more stable and I know that it has been a direct result of just getting physical activity, leaving out the thrill of reaching goals.

I also want to express how grateful I am for all of the support I've received this year.  The smiles, the well wishes, the thoughts of encouragement, and most of all the discussions and insights on health issues have all kept me going this year.  I specifically want to thank my coworkers for being a first line of support.  Not only were they the first ones to notice that I was losing weight, but they were often right there with me to cheer me on and offer tips and suggestions.  My husband has also been my biggest fan this year.  He works out with me, eats the healthy food, and helps me question (and sometimes give into) cravings as needed. 

Looking ahead

Losing weight and getting healthy has taught me how much weight I have to lose to actually be healthy.  When this year started I truly believed (but never would have admitted) that by this time those small steps would have lead to me weighing in at the dream weight of somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 lbs.  I'm obviously no where near that.  I haven't given up this dream goal, but I also haven't determined that it will ever become an actual goal.  I've been asked how much more I want to lose and the truth is I don't know.  I know that I'm capable of losing much much more, but because I haven't looked at these numbers on the scale since before I developed breasts, I just don't know what my adult body needs.  I'm not yet looking at a final number, just taking it one obtainable goal at a time.  Right now I want to lose 20 more pounds.  Once that happens I'll re-evaluate what else needs to happen.  

I guess that's my big resolution for 2013.  For the first time in my life it's not "get healthy," it's, "stay healthy."  In the last few weeks I've been on the South Beach Diet, and I look forward to continuing this as my vehicle for better health.

I also have a new NYR that I'm still ironing out.  I want to develop better coping skills.  In the past I've coped with stress and depression with food and sleep, and this of course lead me down a destructive path.  I'm hoping to start graduate school this year, which will accompany a pretty large move and a significant decrease in our income.  I worry about how I will cope with this stress and I have a few months to start to build some new skills.

I also hope (though can't promise) that I'll write in my blog more.  Perhaps I can commit to once a month.  I clearly need to do an update on how my actual diet and exercise has changed because there are some pretty big differences there that I can share.

That's all for this year.  Thank you for your support, and I wish you the best of luck meeting your health goals for 2013!