The downside of the gym: The STARING

Most people have the same icky feeling about the gym, "It'd be better if there weren't all those people there, with their eyes."  In my case there typically aren't many people there, outside of a few specific times throughout the day/week.  9:00am on Saturday and Sunday used to be my time.  Unfortunately, one person ruined that for me.  This man, I call him the mountain goat, comes in every Saturday/Sunday at about 9:00, and I recently had to start waiting until 10 or 11 to go to the gym because of him.

The mountain goat used to just be funny.  In the last year of working out, I've probably seen him down there 10-15 times.  He is a short little man with a noticeable Napoleon complex.  Every time he's in the gym he does the same thing.  He gets on the treadmill for I think 30 or 60 minutes, cranks up the speed and the incline, and then holds on to the top of the machine for dear life as his legs flail about like a cartoon.  As he struggles up his mountain (see, the mountain goat), sweat pours off of him so profusely that the bottom of the treadmill is permanently stained with huge drops of sweat.  To make things worse, when he gets off he goes over to the trashcan, takes off his sticky tank-top, and rings it out. 

You might be wondering two things: why do I sound so hateful about this seemingly innocent behavior, and why do I know so much about his habits?  Well like I said, it used to just be funny, until it became personal.  The structure of our gym is important here.  We have two treadmills that are next to each other, facing a wall-sized mirror.  As I run on one, the mountain goat repeatedly looks over and just stares at me (see image above for a visual).  Here I am, self-conscious, sweaty, trying to zone in on my workout, when this creepy little man is looking me up and down.  There is literally nothing but a blank wall beyond me, so there is no reason for his head to be turned my way.

Doesn't he know that as I stare ahead at the mirror, I can see exactly what he's doing?  I try to glare back at him, but every time I do, he's not looking at me anymore and I worry that he thinks I'm staring as well.  It makes my blood boil.  I get so worked up thinking about what to say.  Do I tell him to knock it off?  Do I ask him what his problem is?  Do I just tell him it makes me uncomfortable?  No, I just avoid going when I think he's there.

And then that feeling of being violated escalates as he takes off his shirt IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, so I can't help but notice and want to barf.  I mean, do that when no one's around, there's a bathroom, a bathroom with privacy and a door!  You don't do stuff like that with a woman around!

I can't be the only one who experiences this.  I went too early last weekend and unfortunately had to leave when he walked in.  Now I know not to go between 8:30 and 10:30.

Quick Update

Okay, okay, yesterday's post may have been a bit hasty. While I'm still disappointed in my poundage, I measured myself this morning and found that I've lost 2 inches off my waist (from 35 to 33, I know you're curious) since January 22. I had planned to wait until February 22 to re-measure, but I needed to feel better. Bad news is, every other measurement is still the same. Maybe I should look on the bright side, because who knows how many inches I could have gained had I not been changing my ways.

Gym update
Yesterday at the gym I felt similar struggles to keep up a fast pace. I know that putting the treadmill on a steep incline and speed walking can be just as effective, I was looking forward to running again, but just couldn't quite get there. Even with 10 minutes warming up I found myself being held back with the strenuous jog. Today I spent 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, hopped on the treadmill, and again found myself going way faster than I normally do. Now, I had it on a much lower incline than normal so I can't say for sure that it was the bike that did the trick, but I can say that I was able to go twice as fast for twice as long for a whopping 25 minutes.

And boy, did I sweat. I never realized how fantastic sweat is. I love that feeling of it seeping down, soaking my clothes. I love wiping my hand across my forehead and then my hand across my shirt. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets me as sweaty as the treadmill, and it is by far the most liberating feeling of my life.

Making progress!

Today, I have crossed a milestone in this journey. For the first time in at least five months, I went to the gym. To better understand what this hurdle means, you should read an older post from my first time going to the gym when I used to update this blog in 2010.

I have deliberately chosen to put off going to the gym this time, and focus on healthy eating changes. The reason for this is, as you might know, the gym has never been something that I'm consistently good at. In fact, like so many, when defeat is staring me in the face I tend to just go with it, letting it wash over me like the pull of a strong undertow. At first I fight, I go once or twice. Then I have an excuse not to go, and then more and more pathetic excuses until finally I stop thinking of it altogether. I tell myself that I'm just not the kind of person who goes to the gym at all.

In order to make this lifestyle change work, I needed to succeed. That sounds strange, of course in order to succeed I have to succeed. But I have failed so many times that I need some easy wins. I needed to love slow progress, I needed to change my frame of mind altogether.

A few weeks ago, I woke up, I got dressed. I pulled on stretchy clothes and my worn down tennis shoes, poured ice cold water into my water bottle, grabbed my fully charged iPod. I was ready to work out. I wiggled around a bit to get the blood moving

and took off to the elevator. Once in the basement, I walked right up to the gym, looked in the window, and saw three people inside. After a moments hesitation, I turned and fled.

All I can say is, "at least I got dressed."

This time, I recognized that I already took a first step. I spent much of Friday thinking about the gym. I went over in my head what it would be like to go, how it would make me feel, how it would make my body feel. Then I thought about my reasons for not going. It occurred to me that in all my anxiety of what people would do or think, that I had never actually had a negative experience at the gym. Not once in my life (scratch that, not once outside of gym class) have I actually seen someone ridicule me, or give me a look that suggested such disdain and disgust at my presence in the gym. So what was I worried about?

And today there was an older man in the gym. I smiled at him on my way in, and at the end of my workout, when he was also finishing up, he actually spoke to me and was quite nice. He asked me what one of the machines was for, like I was the expert! It made me feel so good that I'm actually embarrassed that I've let my self consciousness hold me back so much. I'm still not making the gym part of my goals, but my hope is that I will go to the gym on weekends and work out at home when I get home from work at least 3 times a week.

Big news

Alright, this might not be that big of news, but while in the gym today I had a very fortunate opportunity to weigh myself. This is the first time I've weighed myself since Christmas, and I've lost 4 pounds! Just by drinking water, cutting out some fat and sweets, and adding more fruits and vegetables. I didn't actually do anything hard, there was no real challenge here.

This means that I am only 8 pounds from my "normal" weight. Again, this is not a goal, but I am hoping that if I start adding exercise to my lifestyle change that I can easily lose those 8 pounds by my birthday (one month from yesterday). Maybe I'll weigh myself next week and decide if I want to actually make this a goal.

ps-Do you realize how hard it is to find images of an average looking woman working out? I have decided to avoid promoting the stereotyped, perfect image of a woman, and only post alternative body type images. So, although I planned to post an exciting picture of women working out, the only image I'm satisfied with today is that of my favorite America's Next Top Model winner, Whitney.

Progress Check In

Sorry I've been MIA lately...first there was the conference in DC from Friday-Monday night, and then I left my chargers in DC, so I've been unable to really write anything new. Without these chargers, I don't have a new picture. I know that most of you are my facebook friend, and have maybe seen this, but I thought it would work for today because it was taken over the weekend, and my first thought when I saw it was that I looked really good in it! I have like the worst self esteem ever, so I was happy to have a reason to say that I like myeslf. But, I did want to do a quick update:

First, I was having a hard time keeping up with my eating goals at first, but thankfully I have been doing better. To remind y'all, my goals were to: stop eating a lunchtime dessert, drink more water, and eat more vegetables. I've finally stopped eating the desserts, and I know I have because I've avoided some serious temptations. For water, that has been a slower process, but luckily in the last few days thanks to my other update, I have been drinking more water. Veggies are a bit trickier because I keep justifying things like pizza sauce and the one string of red pepper I found in my beef/cheese enchilada. But for sure, this week my goals have been better than last week.

Also, I FINALLY started going to the gym-thanks to my friend Anne Marie, who provides a great reason to do it-she's going with me. Thanks to her, I went both last night and tonight, working out about as hard as I ever have. Both times I ran on the eliptical for a half hour, which is twice what I normally do. If you take what the machine says seriously, I ran for about 2 miles, and lost 240? calories, but I'm not sure the exact numbers there. Basically, I feel great. We're also working our way into building confidences with using weights and such around others in the gym.

As I said before, I am going to agree to do any suggestions that come my way for this, provided that I don't have to spend money on them. Recently, my friend Kate Mooney-SMC alumn/AIDS activist/great person suggested that I go see the school's nutritionist. That is in fact free, so I still have to make the appointment, but I'm going to try to go next week.

Goals coming up:

My new goal, that I avoided starting today is to eat a salad or a wrap every day for lunch. We'll see how that goes, I might have to include something else because I find that salads are not usually filling enough to get me through the day.

I'm also setting the goal of forcing myself going to the gym 7 times before I make a decision about whether or not I'm really ready to do this. The hope is that by this point I will have overcome my fears, and will have made it into a habit that I wont want to stop doing.

Again, I'm a bit new with excersize/diet stuff, so suggestions for tips and things to try would be GREAT! Thanks again for the support, I appreciate it so much.

Gym: Day One

I finally did it. I went to the gym. Every time I decide to start getting healthy I remind myself that going to the gym the first time is the hardest part, and then I just have to make it routine. My solution to this problem has therefore always been to just not go to the gym at all, thereby avoiding it altogether.

Now, I'm a big fan of lots of pictures in a blog, but I had a hard time capturing a gym experience without someone around to take my picture. So this is me right after getting home from the gym, looking all grungy and sweaty.

I'm not new to this working out thing, but I'm not an expert by any means. I go to the gym and I become overwhelmed with anxiety. When I go I am so sure that people there use me as a measure of who they don't want to be. I see these healthy, active people around me and I know that they look at me struggling and sweating and think to themselves, "good for her," and I hate that. I hate that my physical appearance is something that people have to feel sorry for.

I decided to go tonight because I hate exercising with other people, and it's the last day of our break so I assumed fewer people would be there. I get so freaked out about exercising around others that I've literally walked out on a workout because I see someone I know at the gym. When I'm by myself I feel confident and comfortable to go all in, try things I've never done before, and work harder than ever. When others are around me, all I want to do is run away.

So, today was good and bad. First, when I go to the gym I always use the elliptical. This is because of another issue that I don't think I've discussed on here much. I think most people who read this are aware that I have old pelvic fractures which keep me from things like laying on my side, sitting on hard surfaces, and running. I haven't been able to run in almost 6 years. When I want to exercise, I can't just pick up a pair of shoes and go jogging. I know it's been so long and I should be over this by now, but I went to the doctor about it maybe three years ago and he said that I still shouldn't be running. My question is if not now, then when? I've always hated running, but to be honest I miss having the option.

So, back to my point. I usually have to get off the elliptical after 5-10 minutes, which I know is pathetic, but I get so exhausted so quickly. But today I ran on it for 16 minutes! I don't entirely believe the calorie counter, but for those of you who do I burned 158 calories! I was really proud of myself. I also did 100 crunches. Crunches are also hard on me because of my pelvis. I need a soft surface to lay flat on, but I just try to power through.

Usually I lift weights at the gym. Today I didn't because too many people came in and I got scared and had to leave. This sucks because my arms are my least favorite part of my body, and I wish I didnt miss out on my opportunity to work on them. Oh well, there's always next time I suppose.

I'm planning on going to the gym the next two days as well. I leave for DC on Friday, so I don't think I'll be keeping up working out this weekend, but I am hopeful that by being away from temptations I'll be more likely to eat healthy and not indulge like I still have been.

Update:
I have barely stuck to my resolutions that I created, but that doesn't mean that I've given up hope. I'm drinking a bit more water and I'm more conscious of the bad things I'm doing, if that helps at all.

Also, I've been toying with the idea that I might force myself to try suggestions that people give me on here. If you want me to try something healthy and I don't have to pay for it (that's the trick-I'm poor), then I think I might just have to do it, so please make suggestions.