It has now been over six months since I started this journey. I am happy to say that I've come very far since my first post this year. I've had many ups and downs throughout this process, including more recently when I gained five pounds and lost the momentum that I've worked so hard to build.
Today I am a different woman than the one who began this blog, not just the one who wrote again in January but the person I've been my whole life. My sedentary lifestyle was so comfortable and natural that I couldn't imagine being anything else. When I compared myself to the beautiful women that surround me in movies, magazines, at work or just on the street, I simply knew that I could never have what I saw in them, so I accepted defeat. I've come to realize that I had a problem. It was more than just being
depressed or lazy or tired or even just misinformed. I was afraid. I
was afraid to try because I was afraid to fail.
Six months ago I told myself that I was going to ignore those impulses that have become ingrained into my being. I decided that drinking a glass of water was a major accomplishment. When I allowed myself to be excited about and proud of those miniscule accomplishments, I slowly began to shed that fear of failure. Even on those early days that I failed I decided that I was still succeeding, and that motivated me to do something a little bigger, a little harder.
These last few weeks/months have been a major challenge. My willpower decreased but it never disappeared. I was on the verge of slipping back into my old ways, obsessed with the fact that I had not been losing weight. Filled with bitterness, I found subtle ways to punish myself for it.
After some major reflection I came to realize that my priorities had gotten lost. I started this journey with one goal: to be healthier. Being a healthy person does not necessarily mean constantly losing pounds. Being healthy means eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise. And those two things are so small and so easy that I simply had to refocus my energy to those goals.
While running on the treadmill today I thought about the challenge of a hard workout. The sweat trickling down my forehead towards my cheek, the way my muscles shake from exhaustion, and of course the continued pain the next day that tells me that I've done something really good, for me. That pain represents what I had been afraid of-all the sweat, the grunting challenge of it all. Now that pain is what motivates me. Sure, there are times when I don't want to work out. But when I'm in the thick of it, I'm happier than I've almost ever been. I feel strong and sexy and free.
Two weeks ago I shot up to 177. Today I weigh 174. Tomorrow I could weigh 175, 178 even. As long as I focus on what really matters--my health and happiness, the rest of it will come and go along the way. I still have a weight loss goal, and I'm still going to celebrate when/if I hit it. For now I have to just be happy with this slow journey and small successes.
