Progress Check In

Sorry I've been MIA lately...first there was the conference in DC from Friday-Monday night, and then I left my chargers in DC, so I've been unable to really write anything new. Without these chargers, I don't have a new picture. I know that most of you are my facebook friend, and have maybe seen this, but I thought it would work for today because it was taken over the weekend, and my first thought when I saw it was that I looked really good in it! I have like the worst self esteem ever, so I was happy to have a reason to say that I like myeslf. But, I did want to do a quick update:

First, I was having a hard time keeping up with my eating goals at first, but thankfully I have been doing better. To remind y'all, my goals were to: stop eating a lunchtime dessert, drink more water, and eat more vegetables. I've finally stopped eating the desserts, and I know I have because I've avoided some serious temptations. For water, that has been a slower process, but luckily in the last few days thanks to my other update, I have been drinking more water. Veggies are a bit trickier because I keep justifying things like pizza sauce and the one string of red pepper I found in my beef/cheese enchilada. But for sure, this week my goals have been better than last week.

Also, I FINALLY started going to the gym-thanks to my friend Anne Marie, who provides a great reason to do it-she's going with me. Thanks to her, I went both last night and tonight, working out about as hard as I ever have. Both times I ran on the eliptical for a half hour, which is twice what I normally do. If you take what the machine says seriously, I ran for about 2 miles, and lost 240? calories, but I'm not sure the exact numbers there. Basically, I feel great. We're also working our way into building confidences with using weights and such around others in the gym.

As I said before, I am going to agree to do any suggestions that come my way for this, provided that I don't have to spend money on them. Recently, my friend Kate Mooney-SMC alumn/AIDS activist/great person suggested that I go see the school's nutritionist. That is in fact free, so I still have to make the appointment, but I'm going to try to go next week.

Goals coming up:

My new goal, that I avoided starting today is to eat a salad or a wrap every day for lunch. We'll see how that goes, I might have to include something else because I find that salads are not usually filling enough to get me through the day.

I'm also setting the goal of forcing myself going to the gym 7 times before I make a decision about whether or not I'm really ready to do this. The hope is that by this point I will have overcome my fears, and will have made it into a habit that I wont want to stop doing.

Again, I'm a bit new with excersize/diet stuff, so suggestions for tips and things to try would be GREAT! Thanks again for the support, I appreciate it so much.

Gym: Day One

I finally did it. I went to the gym. Every time I decide to start getting healthy I remind myself that going to the gym the first time is the hardest part, and then I just have to make it routine. My solution to this problem has therefore always been to just not go to the gym at all, thereby avoiding it altogether.

Now, I'm a big fan of lots of pictures in a blog, but I had a hard time capturing a gym experience without someone around to take my picture. So this is me right after getting home from the gym, looking all grungy and sweaty.

I'm not new to this working out thing, but I'm not an expert by any means. I go to the gym and I become overwhelmed with anxiety. When I go I am so sure that people there use me as a measure of who they don't want to be. I see these healthy, active people around me and I know that they look at me struggling and sweating and think to themselves, "good for her," and I hate that. I hate that my physical appearance is something that people have to feel sorry for.

I decided to go tonight because I hate exercising with other people, and it's the last day of our break so I assumed fewer people would be there. I get so freaked out about exercising around others that I've literally walked out on a workout because I see someone I know at the gym. When I'm by myself I feel confident and comfortable to go all in, try things I've never done before, and work harder than ever. When others are around me, all I want to do is run away.

So, today was good and bad. First, when I go to the gym I always use the elliptical. This is because of another issue that I don't think I've discussed on here much. I think most people who read this are aware that I have old pelvic fractures which keep me from things like laying on my side, sitting on hard surfaces, and running. I haven't been able to run in almost 6 years. When I want to exercise, I can't just pick up a pair of shoes and go jogging. I know it's been so long and I should be over this by now, but I went to the doctor about it maybe three years ago and he said that I still shouldn't be running. My question is if not now, then when? I've always hated running, but to be honest I miss having the option.

So, back to my point. I usually have to get off the elliptical after 5-10 minutes, which I know is pathetic, but I get so exhausted so quickly. But today I ran on it for 16 minutes! I don't entirely believe the calorie counter, but for those of you who do I burned 158 calories! I was really proud of myself. I also did 100 crunches. Crunches are also hard on me because of my pelvis. I need a soft surface to lay flat on, but I just try to power through.

Usually I lift weights at the gym. Today I didn't because too many people came in and I got scared and had to leave. This sucks because my arms are my least favorite part of my body, and I wish I didnt miss out on my opportunity to work on them. Oh well, there's always next time I suppose.

I'm planning on going to the gym the next two days as well. I leave for DC on Friday, so I don't think I'll be keeping up working out this weekend, but I am hopeful that by being away from temptations I'll be more likely to eat healthy and not indulge like I still have been.

Update:
I have barely stuck to my resolutions that I created, but that doesn't mean that I've given up hope. I'm drinking a bit more water and I'm more conscious of the bad things I'm doing, if that helps at all.

Also, I've been toying with the idea that I might force myself to try suggestions that people give me on here. If you want me to try something healthy and I don't have to pay for it (that's the trick-I'm poor), then I think I might just have to do it, so please make suggestions.

First Steps

When I started this thing on Monday I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do this. Hell, I'm still worried that I'm not going to be able to do this. So I gave myself no goals for the first week. That's something I'm good at-NOT achieving a goal. Someone pointed out to me that if I really need to do this, I have to do it, so I've decided to prematurely start some goals on an arbitrary date. One of my common excuses for not beginning a new work out schedule is that the day isn't right. I can't start on a Wednesday! Sunday or Monday is much better for that. But really, why not start right now?

I'll tell you why not start right now. I just finished doing one of my favorite fat girl things, one thing that I doubt I will ever get rid of entirely. I just ate a delicious pint of ice cream. My biggest weakness in life is ice cream. I love it. The flavors of life should be ice cream flavors. Some days are vanilla-they are plain, classic, uninspiring but still worthwhile. Other days are like strawberry. I know some people like strawberry, but to me these would be the days you don't really want but are forced to get through because well, it is ice cream after all. Of course good days are like sundaes. They are rich and complex and every bite contains within it a new and wondrous experience so unlike the one before.

To keep this metaphor shorter, today was a Peanut butter Persuasion day. That's my favorite flavor, peanut butter and chocolate-over 1,200 calories in the whole thing. Today was a day that called for eating it. Nothing particularly bad happened today. My only justification for this indulgence would be my period begged me for it. But the truth is I just wanted it; something felt missing. The only problem is, now that I've finished it I don't feel any more fulfilled than I did before. I just feel the familiar twinge of an over-sugared stomachache. I feel guilty, like by giving myself what I wanted I'm really just taking something else away. So it's hard for me to start doing something good for myself when I feel so wrecked as it is. I've ruined it today. Maybe tomorrow?

Because of today's indulgence I've decided to start some new ground rules. To begin with, I am cutting out lunchtime desserts altogether, no matter how sweet and tasty that cookie looks (I had two earlier today). I will also incorporate at least one vegetable into every meal-maybe minus breakfast. As often as possible I will drink water, even if I just drink it in my room at night. These are my first small steps that I have to promise myself to take, and I think they will get more strict as time continues.

Next is physical activities. For the record, I hate going to the gym. In an attempt to keep this short, I'm going to leave specifics on this for another post, so for now just take my word on it. I'm not forcing myself to go to the gym yet, particularly because we're on break soon and I don't know what new hours are going to look like. But, I noticed on netflix watch instantly there are some workout video things that my mom and sister were doing. I think, and I'm not promising anything, but I am going to try to do something physical at least once this week.

Coming up on Confessions:

I've thinking about what I can do to make this blog more interesting. With inspiration from my two favorite blogs, Post Secret and Cake Wreaks, I've decided to make Sunday a special blog post day. You'll see what I mean this Sunday, but be sure to check it out! I'm also looking for healthy suggestions of things I should try or do etc that you think will be helpful for this whole process.

Barriers and History

Before this process begins, it is important to me that I take a look at ongoing factors in my life that have lead to my distorted attitude towards physical health. Why is discussing losing weight so hard for me, and why is it that every time someone tells me I look like I've lost weight it's almost as painful as feeling like I've gained?

My body weight has fluctuated significantly in the last few years. During my junior year of high school I was so utterly depressed that I used food as a tool of self mutilation. I hated myself so much that I forced myself to gain weight. Maybe I was hoping someone would notice and do something to help, or maybe I just hoped that all those warnings about bad cholesterol were true. Either way, I began my senior year at almost 200 pounds. Needless to say, it was not a good time for me.

The pictures for today (I wish I could upload these at the END of the post instead of beginning) are a bit more inspiring than yesterday. They are two pictures of me from when I had just lost weight. I was feeling great, and part of me loves these pictures for that, and another part hates that this time had to pass. The first one is Cassie, Lindy, and I in our last French class of high school, and the other is Sara and I, I like that my face looks thinner and there is a nice distinct line on my neck.

My sister Danae has often been the vehicle for weight loss in my life and senior year was just another example. I'm grateful to her for basically forcing me to get healthy for the first time in my life. With her help (seriously, I kicked and screamed the whole time) I lost about 35 pounds in a few months and ended up the smallest I've been since that time. I went to my high school graduation weighing 165 pounds, and dammit I looked great.

Since this time life has gotten in the way. My weight has fluctuated significantly. I've been almost as bad as I was junior year, but on average I try to be confident at 175 pounds. The truth is I'm not. I don't want to be skinny. Not at all, the idea of looking like a twig-while sometimes sounds appealing-will never be my lifestyle. I want to be beautiful, and I do know that in some ways I am, but I want to be more beautiful.

I thought I would end this post by looking at some of the things people have said in the past about my body, the things that have stuck out to me as catalysts for this barrier I've come up against when I look in the mirror. I'm not going to name names and sorry if you figure out that you've said something that hurt me, but here goes:

1. I didn't know what a double chin was until you told me I had one, pulling the line of fat from under my chin to show me how bad it was. Now it's my least favorite part of the only beautiful part of my body-my face.

2. Once when I was a pre-teen you told me I had the fattest thighs you'd ever seen.

3. You once said that I could be a model from the breasts up, did you know that I hated my breasts?

4. You said that I'm pretty, but if I lost weight I'd be prettier, that if I lost 30 pounds I'd have boys all over me.

5. You made me re-run the mile because 12 minutes wasn't good enough. (Guess who that was)

6. When I asked you why boys don't pay attention to me you said it was because I was chubby, and I hated realizing you were right.

7. You said that I was the biggest out of all of us in an attempt to make you feel better about yourself. It made me feel worse.

8. You told me you didn't think I could do the same physical work as everyone else because I was too fat.

I'm trying to remind myself that I can only go up from here. If I can learn to take what people say with a smile, then I think this whole thing would have been a positive experience.

The beginning

So, after jealously following the exciting adventures of my favorite professor's 52 new things, I've decided to follow her lead and take charge of my life. I thought about the thing I want most and the thing that I'm most scared to see fail in my life, and concluded that I would create a blog about my battle with my body. This blog will not be about weight loss alone. This will be about overcoming the emotional factors that have been greatly linked to the issues with my weight.

One thing that has been consistent with weight loss activity has been a fear of exposure. The idea of making public something as intimate as my self consciousness and fat roles is absolutely terrifying. I hope that by doing what I'm afraid of I will overcome that fear and be better off for having done so.

In the spirit of disclosure, I am attaching a picture of myself that I hate because it shows my least favorite part of my body in a horribly unflattering way. When this picture was taken over the summer I was getting back into eating American food and gaining weight quite rapidly. I'm holding my cousin's oldest child, Brandi, who loves me more than she's showing here I'm sure. We were at a family reunion and I had just eaten plenty of my favorite chips and pastas. yummm.

For this week, I've decided that I will not give myself any specific goals. I want to have a week of my real life to start this project out with. I'll see what my habits are and where I get caught up in what I do almost every day of my life-overindulge.

And that brings me to the title of this blog. My life seems to be a series of emotional barriers in which I compensate with overindulgence to keep myself happy. When life brings me down, there is nothing like a pint of ice cream or little debbie to bring me back up again. I rely on food to get me through hard times and I'm ready to overcome this in order to live a much healthier lifestyle.