Overview and Accomplishments of 2012

I can't believe that it was just about a year ago that I decided to get serious about my health.  My New Years Resolution for 2012 was to get healthy, and now that the year is over, I can finally say that I've accomplished this goal.  In the spirit of honest sharing and reflection, I am excited to share some details on what this all means for me.

Because of my bad blogger habits, this is going to be a bit of a long post, I'm first going to list how this process has changed me physically, I'll next review some details on how I've changed mentally and emotionally.  Finally, I want to look ahead at some ideas of what's to come for 2013.  I'll also likely end this post with a renewed commitment to write more, which I inevitably will fail (hey, a girl has to maintain some imperfections), but I want to encourage my readers to ask me questions or request topics for future posts.  This is a tell-all blog and I'm happy to discuss what's on your mind.

Physical Change

Let's start with a little imagery:

Left: December 2011, Right: December 2012 (I've lost another 2 lbs since then)

Initial Stats

Weight (Late December 2011):
About 190 lbs 

Measurements (in inches--February 12, 2012):

• Bust: 40
• Right arm: 14
• Left arm: 15
• Waist: 35
• Stomach: 40
• Hips: 45
• Right thigh: 27
• Left thigh: 26.5

Clothing sizes (Late December 2011, but these sizes had been pretty standard for me for 4-6 or so years):

• Top: XL (though I had purchased an XXL)
• Bottom: Large 14s
• Dress: XL or 14-16

New Stats

Weight (December 31, 2012):

167 lbs. (minus 23 lbs.) In only three more pounds, I will be the smallest I've ever been since I began tracking my weight.

Measurements (in inches--December 31, 2012):

• Bust:37 (minus three inches)
• Right arm: 14 (no change :( )
• Left arm: 14 (minus one inch)
• Waist: 31 (minus four inches)
• Stomach: 38 (minus two inches)
• Hips: 43 (minus two inches)
• Right thigh: 25.5 (minus one and a half inches)
• Left thigh: 25 (minus one and a half inches)
• Total loss: 15 inches!!

Clothing sizes (December 31, 2012(ish)):

• Top: M
• Bottom: 10
• Dress: (haven't tried on dresses since I fit perfectly into size 12, 6 lbs ago)

Truly the best part of this process is discovering my body.  As I lose weight, I'm not shaping myself into someone else's image, rather, I'm uncovering who I really am, below the layers.  I reach up and feel a  collar bone, my belly now actually curves inward (when I suck in and only just before it curves outwards).  I can feel my pelvic bone when in the past I simply had to take their word for its existence.  When I flex, I have these gorgeous muscles.  In a skirt I actually like the way my legs look, for the first time ever.

I'm running.  Well, I'm mostly jogging, but one day I will run without pause.  I have increased my weight on the lat pulldown machine from 40 lbs to 80.  I can also bench press 40 lbs (this one has proven a bigger challenge).  And best of all, I have accomplished what I call my secret goal.  For the first time in my life I can touch my toes.  Even as a child I couldn't manage it and now, for all of 5 seconds, if I breathe in and brace myself, it really happens.

Mental and Emotional Change

What an unbelievable year this has been. In so many ways, this year has been one of the most significant years of my life.  Personally, professionally, and physically I've been through so much.  When I started this journey I was looking to tip-toe into some small changes that would improve my physical health.  There was of course some vanity as well.  I generally accepted and appreciated my looks, but I knew I could look better with some weight loss, but most of all I wanted to feel better about who I was.  I hated that I was always the fattest girl in the room, that I was tired all the time, and that I would run out of breath from walking up a flight of stairs.  At the same time, I was also stubborn and in some denial about all of this.  I was convinced that the things I heard about healthy eating and exercise were somehow unfair, somehow false and set an impossible standard for average women to live up to.  I was proud of my curves.  My husband loved them and I had begun to occasionally enjoy them too.  I fantasized about being some kind of plus-sized spokeswoman, speaking out for voluptuous women like myself.

Now I recognize this denial.  It was hard for me to appreciate the connection between what I was doing to my body and what that meant for my health.  I focused on the fact that my size was only slightly bigger than average and ignored that not only was that an inaccurate picture of my health, but that average sizes in the US do not equal healthy sizes.  I still believe in curves.  In fact, I've learned that the only way to get through this process is to just love my body for exactly what it is, despite the wobbly bulges and the gigantic, slightly lopsided, pear shape.  In fact, in a few more pounds, I plan to show a bit more skin in my pictures.  I hope to feel confident enough to share my stretch marks on my stomach (I don't care if you don't want to see it, I'll show it to you anyway).

I'm more confident than I've ever been.  This is not simply a lose weight =confidence equation.  I feel free to be myself.  I do some silly squats and make what have been referred to as "sex sounds" when I work out...in front of people I don't know.  I do it because I want to, because the motions make my legs strong and the noises somehow make me feel more powerful.

I'm also happier than I've ever been.  I have had anxiety and depression on and off pretty much forever (who hasn't though, right?).  Sometimes, including a few times this year, it got pretty intense to where I didn't want to get out of bed each day.  But somehow I made it through.  This year it was all too obvious to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mood is much more stable and I know that it has been a direct result of just getting physical activity, leaving out the thrill of reaching goals.

I also want to express how grateful I am for all of the support I've received this year.  The smiles, the well wishes, the thoughts of encouragement, and most of all the discussions and insights on health issues have all kept me going this year.  I specifically want to thank my coworkers for being a first line of support.  Not only were they the first ones to notice that I was losing weight, but they were often right there with me to cheer me on and offer tips and suggestions.  My husband has also been my biggest fan this year.  He works out with me, eats the healthy food, and helps me question (and sometimes give into) cravings as needed. 

Looking ahead

Losing weight and getting healthy has taught me how much weight I have to lose to actually be healthy.  When this year started I truly believed (but never would have admitted) that by this time those small steps would have lead to me weighing in at the dream weight of somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 lbs.  I'm obviously no where near that.  I haven't given up this dream goal, but I also haven't determined that it will ever become an actual goal.  I've been asked how much more I want to lose and the truth is I don't know.  I know that I'm capable of losing much much more, but because I haven't looked at these numbers on the scale since before I developed breasts, I just don't know what my adult body needs.  I'm not yet looking at a final number, just taking it one obtainable goal at a time.  Right now I want to lose 20 more pounds.  Once that happens I'll re-evaluate what else needs to happen.  

I guess that's my big resolution for 2013.  For the first time in my life it's not "get healthy," it's, "stay healthy."  In the last few weeks I've been on the South Beach Diet, and I look forward to continuing this as my vehicle for better health.

I also have a new NYR that I'm still ironing out.  I want to develop better coping skills.  In the past I've coped with stress and depression with food and sleep, and this of course lead me down a destructive path.  I'm hoping to start graduate school this year, which will accompany a pretty large move and a significant decrease in our income.  I worry about how I will cope with this stress and I have a few months to start to build some new skills.

I also hope (though can't promise) that I'll write in my blog more.  Perhaps I can commit to once a month.  I clearly need to do an update on how my actual diet and exercise has changed because there are some pretty big differences there that I can share.

That's all for this year.  Thank you for your support, and I wish you the best of luck meeting your health goals for 2013!

Checking back in

My last post was just over three months ago.  During this time a few things have happened.  Right at the height of my weight loss and overall physical improvement, I fell into some mild to moderate depression and found myself crashing back to the usual sources of comfort--junk food, tv, and a cozy bed.  I gained 6 pounds in three weeks, and was back up to 181.

Once I finally decided to get back on track, I found myself feeling much like I did in January, that everything I wanted to accomplish was impossible.  I was starting back at square one.  It took me weeks to move from eating well to going to the gym, and once I did, it seemed as though my body had forgotten what I had worked towards those few months ago.  I was wobbly, and awkward, and sore, and tired.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't really the same woman I was in January.  Those months of exercise were still in me, and after a few weeks, I was greatly improved.

This past week has been my best yet.  I worked out five times (as apposed to the Saturday/Sunday only routine).  I ate delicious salads every day for lunch.  And today when I stepped back on the scale, I found a body that was...exactly the same as it was last week.  In fact, between the scale, the measuring tape, and trying on clothes last night, my body hasn't changed at all during this period of success.  I've re-lost a total of 4 pounds, and as try as I might, I can't seem to push through the final two.

So today I ask, "What can I do to move forward?"  I think that somehow I've found myself feeling the opposite of what I was feeling a year or so ago.  It used to be that eating right was easy and exercising was hard.  Now I know that exercise is easy and eating right is hard.  I may think that I'm eating healthy, but there are other factors to consider--sodium levels, diet coke intake, hidden steps that go into processed, "healthy" food.  A few chips as I make dinner might be what I want right now, but won't do me any favors in the long run.

Today I've decided to start something new.  Before I prepare something to eat, I want to ask myself, "am I hungry, or am I just thirsty?" and, "am I making the right choice by eating this?"  If not, I want to know what is driving me towards this choice, and what I can do to either eliminate it, or reduce it's affect on my body.

Let's see if that works.  If this remains stagnant for a few weeks, I may need to consider checking in with a doctor to see what else might be at work here.  Isaac's convinced that it just takes time.  I'm tired of giving it time.  I'm creeping up to one year at this NYR, and I want to feel like a different person than I was last year.

After six months...

It has now been over six months since I started this journey.  I am happy to say that I've come very far since my first post this year.  I've had many ups and downs throughout this process, including more recently when I gained five pounds and lost the momentum that I've worked so hard to build. 

Today I am a different woman than the one who began this blog, not just the one who wrote again in January but the person I've been my whole life.  My sedentary lifestyle was so comfortable and natural that I couldn't imagine being anything else. When I compared myself to the beautiful women that surround me in movies, magazines, at work or just on the street, I simply knew that I could never have what I saw in them, so I accepted defeat.  I've come to realize that I had a problem.  It was more than just being depressed or lazy or tired or even just misinformed.  I was afraid.  I was afraid to try because I was afraid to fail. 

Six months ago I told myself that I was going to ignore those impulses that have become ingrained into my being.  I decided that drinking a glass of water was a major accomplishment.  When I allowed myself to be excited about and proud of those miniscule accomplishments, I slowly began to shed that fear of failure.  Even on those early days that I failed I decided that I was still succeeding, and that motivated me to do something a little bigger, a little harder. 

These last few weeks/months have been a major challenge.  My willpower decreased but it never disappeared.  I was on the verge of slipping back into my old ways, obsessed with the fact that I had not been losing weight.  Filled with bitterness, I found subtle ways to punish myself for it. 

After some major reflection I came to realize that my priorities had gotten lost.  I started this journey with one goal: to be healthier.  Being a healthy person does not necessarily mean constantly losing pounds.  Being healthy means eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise.  And those two things are so small and so easy that I simply had to refocus my energy to those goals.

While running on the treadmill today I thought about the challenge of a hard workout.  The sweat trickling down my forehead towards my cheek, the way my muscles shake from exhaustion, and of course the continued pain the next day that tells me that I've done something really good, for me.  That pain represents what I had been afraid of-all the sweat, the grunting challenge of it all.  Now that pain is what motivates me.  Sure, there are times when I don't want to work out.  But when I'm in the thick of it, I'm happier than I've almost ever been.  I feel strong and sexy and free.

Two weeks ago I shot up to 177.  Today I weigh 174.  Tomorrow I could weigh 175, 178 even.  As long as I focus on what really matters--my health and happiness, the rest of it will come and go along the way.  I still have a weight loss goal, and I'm still going to celebrate when/if I hit it.  For now I have to just be happy with this slow journey and small successes.

It's finally happened!

 That's right everyone, I've reached my very first weight loss goal.  In the last 4.5 months, I have lost 15 lbs., taking my weight from about 190 to 175.  I'm finally at the weight that I feel comfortable in.  At this weight, I feel way more like me.  From here on out, it's real weight loss.  I haven't been below 175 since 2009, so I can't wait for the coming weeks.

So far, that 15 lbs. represents 8.5 inches lost overall.  It's been small increments of both pounds and inches, but it is in moments like this one that makes the tortured waiting seem worth while.  At this rate it will take about 8 months to reach my overall goal of 150lbs.  Isaac mentioned that it doesn't have to take that long if I work more at it (today was the first day in a week that I've gone to the gym).  I think that's true, and I think I will have spurts of hard work coming up, but as usual, I don't want to start with something I can't handle.  If I take 8 more months I will have completed my goal in about a year, and maybe that's okay.

The downside of the gym: The STARING

Most people have the same icky feeling about the gym, "It'd be better if there weren't all those people there, with their eyes."  In my case there typically aren't many people there, outside of a few specific times throughout the day/week.  9:00am on Saturday and Sunday used to be my time.  Unfortunately, one person ruined that for me.  This man, I call him the mountain goat, comes in every Saturday/Sunday at about 9:00, and I recently had to start waiting until 10 or 11 to go to the gym because of him.

The mountain goat used to just be funny.  In the last year of working out, I've probably seen him down there 10-15 times.  He is a short little man with a noticeable Napoleon complex.  Every time he's in the gym he does the same thing.  He gets on the treadmill for I think 30 or 60 minutes, cranks up the speed and the incline, and then holds on to the top of the machine for dear life as his legs flail about like a cartoon.  As he struggles up his mountain (see, the mountain goat), sweat pours off of him so profusely that the bottom of the treadmill is permanently stained with huge drops of sweat.  To make things worse, when he gets off he goes over to the trashcan, takes off his sticky tank-top, and rings it out. 

You might be wondering two things: why do I sound so hateful about this seemingly innocent behavior, and why do I know so much about his habits?  Well like I said, it used to just be funny, until it became personal.  The structure of our gym is important here.  We have two treadmills that are next to each other, facing a wall-sized mirror.  As I run on one, the mountain goat repeatedly looks over and just stares at me (see image above for a visual).  Here I am, self-conscious, sweaty, trying to zone in on my workout, when this creepy little man is looking me up and down.  There is literally nothing but a blank wall beyond me, so there is no reason for his head to be turned my way.

Doesn't he know that as I stare ahead at the mirror, I can see exactly what he's doing?  I try to glare back at him, but every time I do, he's not looking at me anymore and I worry that he thinks I'm staring as well.  It makes my blood boil.  I get so worked up thinking about what to say.  Do I tell him to knock it off?  Do I ask him what his problem is?  Do I just tell him it makes me uncomfortable?  No, I just avoid going when I think he's there.

And then that feeling of being violated escalates as he takes off his shirt IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, so I can't help but notice and want to barf.  I mean, do that when no one's around, there's a bathroom, a bathroom with privacy and a door!  You don't do stuff like that with a woman around!

I can't be the only one who experiences this.  I went too early last weekend and unfortunately had to leave when he walked in.  Now I know not to go between 8:30 and 10:30.

Weight Loss Math

Weight loss is about a special kind of math.  You have to count pounds of fat, such as the one pound of fat pictured above; pounds of weights; numbers of cups, tablespoons, and teaspoons; minutes on the treadmill; number of crunches, and squats.  Most complicated of all, it's counting calories.

I will never be one of those women who counts each calorie that goes into her mouth.  But I do think it's important to know the calories/portion sizes in the food you buy.  I also think it's important to know how those calories affect weight loss.

It is mostly accepted (though apparently controversial) that it takes a 3500 calorie deficit to lose one pound.  If this is true, it means that I've lost 24,500 calories.  It also means that I have 105,000 calories left to reach my big goal weight.  Only 35,000 calories to meet my next milestone weight.

In the article I read that taught me the above, I learned that you burn more calories during the day than you do in the one hour at the gym.  It makes sense.  Every motion we make burns calories.  One extra effort I've been trying to make in this area is to do extra house work.  I have a dishwasher but I wash several dishes by hand.

There are people in this world who actually work to solve the answer to how many calories we burn during mundane activities.  According to this Discovery Health article, brushing your teeth for at least two minutes burns 5.7 calories.  Dusting your house for 30 minutes burns 80 calories, which is way fewer than this much more exciting activity-kissing for 30 minutes only burns 36 calories.  For me though, the calories that I deserve to burn more than any other are the 72 calories I burn for each hour spent watching TV.

How much is too much?

When this process started I convinced myself that I was not doing this to see a smaller number on the scale or the tag on my clothes.  I weighed myself as a progress check, but the more numbers that fell off, the more addicting it became.  I crave weight loss, but how much?  How much can I handle?  How hard can I go before I break?

That's the fear; that's the way I conceptualize where this is going.  I see myself as having a wall around me and to cross it or break through is impossible, if not dangerous.  I live within this boundary, afraid of the pain that is awaiting for me on the other side.  I'm certain that going out of my box is the first step towards failure.  But now I want to really question that and consider whether I'm underestimating those boundaries.

Maybe pain and danger aren't right in this case.  Failure is the key word here.  I'm so afraid of discovering my limit that I don't know if I've ever really tried to find it.  The past few weeks I've found myself busier than I have been in quite a while.  I haven't had the time or ability to go to the gym, and my determination to eat healthy has faltered.  Is this okay?  Am I allowing myself those realistic set backs?  I said that I would.  I said that I wanted to achieve what was reasonable, what was my small victories.  But where has that lead me?  I've lost 7 lbs. in 4 months.  That's nothing.  That's almost laughable.  Sure, if this continues it could lead to a big number, but the way I've been lately has me thinking that the day the scale reads that magic number will never happen.

So what do I do?  Where do I push?  With every doable suggestion that crosses my brain, I cannot help but think about the failure.  Right now the wall I'm hitting is the one that's telling me that even if I go all out and lose 2 lbs. a week until I hit the magic number, what happens a year from that day?  How long can I really keep that up?  I'll never be able to maintain that weight and I don't think I can handle another round of weight gain. 

Today at the gym I had all of this in mind.  I wanted to try it out.  I normally do about 100 crunches, usually 25 at a time until I hit 100.  I was reaching 20, feeling the burn in my stomach, the acid creeping up my esophagus, but I made it to 50 before I fell back.  I did finish 100.  Later on the treadmill I wanted to test how long I could jog at once.  I normally can only keep up speed for about 30 seconds before I let myself walk.  I had a goal of 1 minute.  It quickly turned into 2.  I stopped at 3.

These aren't rhetorical questions.  Any suggestions or advice is most welcome.  I want to try out different suggestions and find something that seems to work.

If they're going to be fat, they might as well be strong

As you know, I am most self conscious about my arms.  You can see why in my first ever blog post.  The way they jiggle, smack against me as I run, and the way they take up most of my profile are all reasons why I hate them.  They are two oversize bags of vanilla pudding.  They are a skinny woman's thighs.  They are what I want to change the most.  The good news is that I've taken this hatred and turned it into something cool.  I am now becoming a master of lifting weights.  I started this under the false impression that lifting weights would lead to burning fat in my arms.  I now know that you cannot make the body burn fat in any specific location.  It simply burns fat where it wants, and sometimes it's in my arms.  Regardless, there are some amazing benefits to this new endeavor, and I want to share them with you today.

According to this Women's Health article, a mere 21% of women strength train two or more times a week.  It goes on to say, "Those two sessions can reduce overall body fat by about three percentage points in just 10 weeks, even if you don't cut a single calorie."  I think women avoid weights because they fear that it will cause them to bulk up and look manly.  The bottom line is that women's bodies are not designed to do this.  We don't have enough testosterone to support such a change.  Lifting weights builds muscle, which burns fat and boosts your metabolism.  Not only that, but lifting weights is fun and interesting; it makes me feel strong. 

When I started this process I purchased a pair of 5 lb weights from Target for $16.  I highly recommend the investment.  There are five key muscle groups to target when doing an upper body workout: chest, shoulders, back, biceps and triceps.  It's important to hit each one and try different techniques for each area.  Let me take a step back.  I want this to be accessible, so in this next session I'm actually going to get into the very basics of how to lift weights.

The basics
The standard thought on conceptualizing lifting weights involves sets and reps.  When I lifted weights in high school with my mom and sister, we'd typically do something like three sets for each muscle group, 5-7 repetitions (reps) of the motion.  In between sets, it's generally thought that you should rest for about 30 seconds.

According to (my favorite website) ivillage, it is actually bad to rest between sets.  The article I linked, 11 exercise myths, says, "Stopping to rest for a minute or so after every exercise can sabotage results. 'Too much rest lets lactic acid dissipate,' said Rubenstein. And muscle growth (and tone and definition) requires lactic acid. Instead, keep up the intensity by moving quickly from one exercise to the next. 'You should be somewhat recovered but not completely,' says Rubenstein. If you can do 15 reps the first set, and one or two fewer on the next, you're on the right track."

Because of this, I've been doing many more reps.  I think my 5 lb weights are getting a little light for me, so I find myself doing about 20 reps of each exercise.  As with most exercise, the key here is form and control.  It's better to use a lighter weight and do the motion correctly than it is to stress your body too quickly using something 5 lbs. too heavy.  For example, when doing a bicep curl, the idea is to keep your body still, lock your elbows at your side and only raise your forearm.  Never allow your arms to lock or you'll stress the muscle.  I also have to focus extra hard to keep my core in check. 


Suggested exercises
First of all, it just occurred to me that I no longer know the names of most of the workouts I do.  So I'm going to start by sending you to this really cool website with some tutorials and suggested workouts.

As for the ones I do remember or was able to describe well in the search bar, here are some suggestions.  First is the concentration curl.  I like to hold both weights in one hand when I do this one.  There is also the dumbbell lateral raise which, while I am suggesting you try it, is really hard.  My biggest accomplishment in life is that I'm finally able to do this exercise without making a stupid face.  This last one is another favorite.  It's the dumbbell triceps extension.  I also do this one with two weights.

Please feel free to ask questions or give any suggestions.  This is such a great and useful workout.  I hope you decide to try it out!

Progress Photo

I can't believe it's been almost a whole month since my last post!  I am not quitting on you now, I've just been extremely busy and unfortunately this blog moved down low on my priorities list.  I'd like to take this opportunity to present my first two comparison photos.  These two pictures might be unfair comparisons because they were taken at different angles and wearing slightly different clothes (yes, I know that I own two practically identical tank tops), but I like to think that the picture on the bottom shows a narrower face, waist, and arms (though those have barely reduced).  Even if there is no real change, I'll accept my new photo as progress.

2/6/12

3/17/12

While I might have had progress since beginning this activity, it has really slowed in the last few weeks.  I was away this weekend and was unable to workout Saturday or Sunday, or do my measurements.  I did, however, run 1 mile in under 15 minutes on Friday (it's a long story, but that's huge progress from my 18 minute miles I was doing before), I also hiked up a mountain on Saturday for about 2 hours.  According to my measurements taken on March 11, I've still only lost 5 pounds in total but have lost 6 inches off my body.  The weird progress here is that 4 of those inches have come off while maintaining my current weight.  In addition to the jeans that used to refuse to button just months ago, last night I tried on several tops that fit like they did several years ago or better.  One of my favorite shirts was always a little snug in the arms, but last night was probably looser than ever before.

I know I owe a longer post, but this is all I have in me for now.  More to come later!

One Week at a Time

It's ironic. My last post dealt with stress and this week ended up being one of the most stressful weeks of my life. The irony here is that while I was expecting stress, new things kept popping up to make it worse and worse. You know how it is...you think things have reached the lowest of the low and then your car gets towed. No, seriously, my car got towed on Thursday.

Like last week, these painful moments in life take a toll on my goals. In truth, since I've started working out I've stopped making eating goals. But you get my meaning. How can I follow the basic rules when I'm ready to rip out my hair?

As the week started and I felt like my world was spinning out of control I had no appetite. Of course I was eating, but for the first time in my life my response to stress was to eat less. I even bought a really expensive bar of dark chocolate to nibble on, just in case (I read that dark chocolate, 70% or higher, is better for cravings because it's a bit healthier, and because the strong flavor makes you eat less). I think it was Tuesday night that I found myself eating two bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch for dinner. I justified it because I barely at that day. Then on Thursday I found myself gorging. I needed bread and our work retreat had some really delicious, bready options. Unfortunately one day of gorging leads to more. I bought a deep dish pizza with cheesy bread last night and had three pieces of each. It was delicious, but I should have at least gotten thin crust.

Through the week I was actually able to workout on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday. Unfortunately I had more pressing issues (like getting my car back) that prevented me from working out on those days I didn't.

The good news is, while my weight is remaining the same, I've lost two inches in total (half an inch here and there on different parts).

This post is kind of hard to write. I don't blame you if you didn't read this far. The reason I'm writing it is because when I started this blog I wanted to be honest about the things I think we all struggle with but are too afraid to say. I don't want this blog to only reflect the easy moments in this journey. It's really, really hard. It gets a bit easier every day, but there are these continual stumbling blocks that life just has to throw our way no matter what. I can either throw in the towel or just keep swimming.

Giving up lead me to where I was in December: almost 190 lbs. and feeling incredibly depressed about my life. Now I'm down to 182. I've lost 5 lbs. and 4 inches. Yes, it is a struggle each day to stick to it, and I sometimes don't. But I have to convince myself that it's worth it. Even if the numbers stand still, it has to be worth it.

And then life happened

This week, my journey has taken an unfortunate turn. While I exercised vigorously on Sunday and Monday, I didn't get to the gym again until this morning. That means that I took 4 days off, which is supposed to be a big no-no. Rather than getting angry at myself, I want to dig deeper and understand what happened.

Work

My first and most obvious answer here is that I had to work extra hours almost every night this week. I started a new project this week. If you're wondering, it's an evaluation of HIV/AIDS funding streams in South Africa. I thought that this new project would be a small intro into evaluations (something that my firm specializes in, but I have never worked on). I was convinced it would be easy and perhaps even fun-an interesting challenge. Unfortunately it is becoming very clear that I was wrong. My work load is getting much bigger than I thought. My other 7 projects are also in a critical stage and it's looking like the coming weeks are going to be a bit hellish.

Stress

The other element here, that coincides with work is stress. I have been feeling particularly stressed out with this new project. I didn't want to make it a header, but it's also that time of the month, so I'm particularly sensitive to stress and other emotional factors. On Wednesday I actually had my workout clothes on, but simply couldn't get past the first 5 minutes of my workout video. I just felt exhausted. My mind was racing and my body wasn't getting it like it was last time.

I allowed myself to take the break from the workout if I did some research into stress and stress management.

Stress can do some pretty harmful things to our bodies. According to the Mayo Clinic, " Stress that's left unchecked can contribute to health problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity and diabetes." Check out the article I found that from, it has an interesting table that shows the different areas stress can affect: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D.

Additionally, stress is linked to cortisol production in the body, cortisol is a hormone that causes your blood pressure and blood sugar levels to increase. It also causes a buildup of unhealthy fat around the abdomen because it blocks insulin from breaking that down.

Basically stress is a bigger problem than many of us might realize. I just keep thinking back to Friday, as my heart rate was up high, my mood was down quite low, and I felt like there was no way for me to finish work before 5:00. Time and time again I've had the debilitating feeling, that weight that pulls me down, makes me slow and very stressed. Of course my next question is-how do I stop or at least manage these stresses?

Stress Relief

One site, I think it was ivillage, suggested that because stress is linked to weight gain, it is good to meditate and practice relaxation exercises for at least ten minutes each day at work.

The Mayo Clinic suggests a few relaxation techniques that are quite similar to meditation. Here's a few that might be doable:

• Autogenic relaxation. Autogenic means something that comes from within you. In this relaxation technique, you use both visual imagery and body awareness to reduce stress. You repeat words or suggestions in your mind to relax and reduce muscle tension. For example, you may imagine a peaceful setting and then focus on controlled, relaxing breathing, slowing your heart rate, or feeling different physical sensations, such as relaxing each arm or leg one by one.

• Visualization. In this relaxation technique, you form mental images to take a visual journey to a peaceful, calming place or situation. During visualization, try to use as many senses as you can, including smell, sight, sound and touch. If you imagine relaxing at the ocean, for instance, think about such things as the smell of salt water, the sound of crashing waves and the warmth of the sun on your body. You may want to close your eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing.

The article goes on to suggest that it is important to practice these methods, because it takes practice to really get them down and actually lead to health benefits. Now, I'm not sure if I will actually meditate at work, I share an office with two other women, but I do plan to start trying some of this out.

Update

Before I close out today, I have some exciting news! Even though I barely worked out and ate, well, junk all week, I have actually lost 2 pounds since last weekend! This brings my total weight loss to 5 pounds since Christmas.

Quick Update

Okay, okay, yesterday's post may have been a bit hasty. While I'm still disappointed in my poundage, I measured myself this morning and found that I've lost 2 inches off my waist (from 35 to 33, I know you're curious) since January 22. I had planned to wait until February 22 to re-measure, but I needed to feel better. Bad news is, every other measurement is still the same. Maybe I should look on the bright side, because who knows how many inches I could have gained had I not been changing my ways.

Gym update
Yesterday at the gym I felt similar struggles to keep up a fast pace. I know that putting the treadmill on a steep incline and speed walking can be just as effective, I was looking forward to running again, but just couldn't quite get there. Even with 10 minutes warming up I found myself being held back with the strenuous jog. Today I spent 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, hopped on the treadmill, and again found myself going way faster than I normally do. Now, I had it on a much lower incline than normal so I can't say for sure that it was the bike that did the trick, but I can say that I was able to go twice as fast for twice as long for a whopping 25 minutes.

And boy, did I sweat. I never realized how fantastic sweat is. I love that feeling of it seeping down, soaking my clothes. I love wiping my hand across my forehead and then my hand across my shirt. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets me as sweaty as the treadmill, and it is by far the most liberating feeling of my life.

Seriously??

Today was the day. All week long, I have been stretching and sweating and jogging and lifting and toning. After last Saturday's 4 pound surprise, I knew that one week later with this much effort, I was bound to have something to look forward to on the scale. I've heard that your body should really only be losing 1-2 pounds a week, so I told myself that I was definitely going to see at least one pound lower. I rushed to the gym, with euphoria to find I was the first one there, got on the scale and found I actually gained a pound.

Pardon me, but what. the. fuck. Seriously body? Are you taunting me from all the hard work I put you through this week? Are you trying to make me cry? I keep telling myself that it's a pound of muscle, that I actually am toning up my body, but what do I know.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally discouraged. Just because I haven't seen progress this week doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'm thinking about starting a food journal to help me keep track. I haven't been making daily goals for myself so maybe that has something to do with it.

We all know that I have a love hate relationship with my body, but in the last few days as I kill myself at the gym or with a Netflix workout video I like, I can't help but feel so disgusted with myself. The more I see how hard it is to change my body, the clearer my shape becomes. Suddenly this stomach that I thought was slowly shrinking seems like a giant balloon, a zeppelin that I'll never be be rid of. The stretch marks, the cellulite, the jiggling flab that covers every inch of my short frame, while I know it's changing, suddenly seems so much more apparent. I wanted my pants to fit better; I wanted to see my face get narrower.

I remember when I lost the 30 pounds in high school. I remember being dragged along for the ride and then one day, without realizing it the days or weeks before, my body was different. I don't know at what point I started to notice it, but it was obvious. I was becoming this different person and I hadn't even struggled to get there. I barely followed my sister's diet, constantly sneaking snacks at school, and I did not remotely push myself at my forced visits to the gym. And look what happened there.

I know it's hard to really tell what my body looked like in both of these pictures, but if nothing else you can see where my change in self esteem came from. The picture on the top is me starting out my senior year. I was 17 and weighed about 10-20 pounds more than I am today. I wore size 18 pants, ate like a monster, and was incredibly depressed. Below is me after losing about 30-35 pounds. It was my last day of high school. I know it's not a full body picture, and I can tell you I wasn't exactly ready to wear a bikini. But I was 165 and I had never before and barely since felt so great about myself. I often regard this picture as one of the best ones ever taken of me.

I want to be that girl again. I want that smile, that hair, that stomach. I don't know what I did to get like this, but I look forward to the day that I have her confidence again.

Point taken, body

It's amazing what you learn when you start something new. I've learned that changes in diet alone really do have positive impacts on your weight; I've learned that water can actually quench your "hunger;" and this weekend I learned the importance of warming up before exercise.

We've all read the dorky signs that suggest that we actually need to warm up before using exercise machines. We've seen the exercise videos that start with marching in place. And at the same time, we see calm, dry, individuals jump on the treadmill and go full blast. My two days at the gym have shown me what a different experience it can be to warm up first.

I learned this quite by accident. On Saturday I did a few stretches and made my way to the treadmill in the basement of my building, jumped on and took off. Sure, I started slow. Three minutes in, I was good to go and started a brisk jog. About 10 seconds later, my throat was hot, my stomach acid crawled up my esophagus, and the air in my lungs was gone. I desperately slowed down and gulped at the water that did nothing to calm my discomfort. Cursing my physique I continued on, much more slowly, for a pathetic a

nd tragically painful 20 minutes.

Sunday morning I got out of bed and knew that I would continue on in my quest to a better body. Excited that I would enter an empty (or mostly empty) gym I approached the door to find both treadmills filled, one by my new friend from Saturday. Knowing that my now nearly eight year old pelvic fractures prevented me from riding the normal bike, I hopped on to the recumbent bike and peddled (I hope I looked as cool as my f

riends here). Sure, I burned my legs up at high levels, but riding this bike just doesn't get the heart rate up like the treadmill does. 25 minutes later, as I pushed myself to go for 30 minutes, my friend from Saturday motioned to me that he wanted to trade machines with me.

As I hopped on, I worried that my legs were too weak to continue, but thought I'd give it a try. After a few minutes walking uphill, I kicked up the speed and an amazing thing happened: I was fine. Sure, I couldn't keep it up forever, but it was more of a choice than

a demand. For another twenty minutes I proudly jogged and ran uphill, without the same agony as the day before. When I got off, I felt better than ever--I was sweaty, red, and incredibly happy.

Making progress!

Today, I have crossed a milestone in this journey. For the first time in at least five months, I went to the gym. To better understand what this hurdle means, you should read an older post from my first time going to the gym when I used to update this blog in 2010.

I have deliberately chosen to put off going to the gym this time, and focus on healthy eating changes. The reason for this is, as you might know, the gym has never been something that I'm consistently good at. In fact, like so many, when defeat is staring me in the face I tend to just go with it, letting it wash over me like the pull of a strong undertow. At first I fight, I go once or twice. Then I have an excuse not to go, and then more and more pathetic excuses until finally I stop thinking of it altogether. I tell myself that I'm just not the kind of person who goes to the gym at all.

In order to make this lifestyle change work, I needed to succeed. That sounds strange, of course in order to succeed I have to succeed. But I have failed so many times that I need some easy wins. I needed to love slow progress, I needed to change my frame of mind altogether.

A few weeks ago, I woke up, I got dressed. I pulled on stretchy clothes and my worn down tennis shoes, poured ice cold water into my water bottle, grabbed my fully charged iPod. I was ready to work out. I wiggled around a bit to get the blood moving

and took off to the elevator. Once in the basement, I walked right up to the gym, looked in the window, and saw three people inside. After a moments hesitation, I turned and fled.

All I can say is, "at least I got dressed."

This time, I recognized that I already took a first step. I spent much of Friday thinking about the gym. I went over in my head what it would be like to go, how it would make me feel, how it would make my body feel. Then I thought about my reasons for not going. It occurred to me that in all my anxiety of what people would do or think, that I had never actually had a negative experience at the gym. Not once in my life (scratch that, not once outside of gym class) have I actually seen someone ridicule me, or give me a look that suggested such disdain and disgust at my presence in the gym. So what was I worried about?

And today there was an older man in the gym. I smiled at him on my way in, and at the end of my workout, when he was also finishing up, he actually spoke to me and was quite nice. He asked me what one of the machines was for, like I was the expert! It made me feel so good that I'm actually embarrassed that I've let my self consciousness hold me back so much. I'm still not making the gym part of my goals, but my hope is that I will go to the gym on weekends and work out at home when I get home from work at least 3 times a week.

Big news

Alright, this might not be that big of news, but while in the gym today I had a very fortunate opportunity to weigh myself. This is the first time I've weighed myself since Christmas, and I've lost 4 pounds! Just by drinking water, cutting out some fat and sweets, and adding more fruits and vegetables. I didn't actually do anything hard, there was no real challenge here.

This means that I am only 8 pounds from my "normal" weight. Again, this is not a goal, but I am hoping that if I start adding exercise to my lifestyle change that I can easily lose those 8 pounds by my birthday (one month from yesterday). Maybe I'll weigh myself next week and decide if I want to actually make this a goal.

ps-Do you realize how hard it is to find images of an average looking woman working out? I have decided to avoid promoting the stereotyped, perfect image of a woman, and only post alternative body type images. So, although I planned to post an exciting picture of women working out, the only image I'm satisfied with today is that of my favorite America's Next Top Model winner, Whitney.

How the Internet is Changing My Ways

Discovering I'm not alone

One of the coolest things about making this lifestyle change is the realization that I'm not alone. I realize that I'm posting this to my facebook page right above some lovely feedback, but it goes beyond that. Beyond the wonderful, honest, heartfelt comments that I receive, I am slowly coming to this realization that the issues with my body and my health are practically universal. In my research I've discovered hundreds of articles and images that point to this.

My new favorite website, www.ivillage.com, is full of helpful lists, tools, discussion boards etc. for real women who face daily challenges in overcoming the same obstacles that I'm struggling with. I'm really loving this article on their website, 40 No-Fail Diet Tips to Keep Your Resolutions on Track.

I've found my exact goals listed all over the internet from other women trying to get through the same thing. This brings me a remarkable sense of community that I'm so happy to be a part of. I hope that my blog does more than just keep me honest about reaching my goals, but that it inspires other women the way I've been inspired through my research.

Beyond my NYR

While working out how I would go about this lifestyle change, I had this idea that this year I would work on more than my health. I created a comprehensive list of all the areas of my life that I want to change, as well as a few ideas for steps I can take to change them. I did this in case I stop progressing on this NYR and I can then move o

n down the list. I bring this up because working on this NYR has also helped with two of the other areas on my list-read more, and watch less TV. I've found that I'm so busy keeping up with my NYR that I hardly have time to continue my hours of television watching that has literally taken over my life. Sure, I'm still behind a screen for about 12 hours a day, but I still count this as progress!

Because I LOVE beautiful images of average women, I leave you with the beauty above. I can't believe that with the body I have, it still shocks me to see images like this. Look at those rolls! And she is still so beautiful, not in spite of, but because she isn't a stick figure.

I'm WHAT!!!???

As a means of becoming more focused in my healthy living plans and in order to keep my goals interesting and appropriately challenging, I've been doing quite a bit of online exploration. This weekend I've been a bit focused on body types. I'm struggling with this difference between being an apple or a pear.

As women, we are often classified into various roles and definitions. What might be most damaging are the somewhat rigid categories of body types. Yesterday, I read all sorts of ridiculous names for women's bodys: banana, rectangle, triangle, hourglass (that one is standard). When I was younger, I always felt like thin women had a wide variety of body types. Us voluptuous ladies were stuck with one: curvy. What the hell does that even mean? Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? In any case, as I've dug a bit deeper into the idiotic classifications that God-knows-who created, I've learned that overweight women now have two different major body types-apple or pear. Supposedly apples carry their weight above their waist and pears are keeping it below the belt. For an added bonus, dear readers, check out this website's version of female body types (personally, I love the Boteroesque).

Anyone that knows me knows that I often find what I'm sure are hilarious names and jokes about my derrière. I've always thought of myself as a pear, the apparently more attractive, nominally healthier type. But I also carry weight in my upper arms, breasts, and face. Those are above my waist, right? So what does that make me? Does it matter?

On top of all of this, I've also discovered what I now think are destructive BMI calculators. After using 3 different calculators, with various questions and levels of self-proclaimed validity, the results are all the same: obese. Although I'm only about 1-2 points into this category, the word still rings clear in my brain. Unfortunately, I haven't weighed myself since beginning this transition, so I suppose it's possible for the ratio to be slightly less than what I've seen. I have to lose about 20 pounds to just be overweight, and about 40 pounds to be on the heavier side of "normal." To put all of this in perspective, "normal" for me, is about 175 (I'm not there right now). When I came home from Uganda feeling great about myself, I was 170. Both are obese. When I lost like 35 lbs. in high school, and was weighing in at 165, my lowest in a long time, I was still in the "overweight" category.

So again comes my favorite question-What does it all mean?

Does this actually matter? I guess I don't know. Does anyone really know? It's so easy to find what seem like legitimate articles that tell you it doesn't matter, and then another that swears by the BMI. Maybe it's a matter of preference. I do know that I hate the word obese, and I've been trying so hard to avoid that classification. Look at the ladies above. At first I planned to explain how the girl on the far right is not only the most beautiful but also airbrushed and unrealistic, but I think it's destructive for anyone to speak like that. We are all beautiful, no matter the type. We just need to find strength to admit it.

In any case, I also need to check in with y'all on my progress. This past week has been hell on my eating plans. I haven't been setting goals, but only a few times did I sneak an unwelcome snack. I've also been drinking water, more than I used to (which was none, btw), but still less than I was. I think this week I need to be more vigilant. I want to get back to how I was feeling when I started blogging again. I was on top of the world. I can keep that up!

What does it mean to be healthy?

This is a question that I never thought I'd be considering to any great length. My past weight loss efforts have been largely a forced power struggle between myself and my older sister. I didn't know what low-carb meant, and no matter how many times Danae tried to explain it to me, I didn't care. Now I'm coming upon 24 years old. I can feel the decline in vitality already. As I look into my future it's not just about having kids or a career. I see cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's, high cholesterol, osteoporosis...all of which I've seen close family members suffer through. Where does this leave me? How am I, coming from one of the least healthy states in our already unhealthy country, going to avoid it?

The word itself is losing meaning. When I was younger, healthy meant one thing: thin. Now I need to know what happens on the inside. Where do I shift my attention and adjust my lifestyle? So far I've had two thoughts, and I gladly welcome other suggestions. First, I need to become a master of my own body. I want to understand how it works, and what makes it work well. I'll need to expand my research beyond "healthy" recipes.

Second, I need to see a doctor. Although I've never had any major health problems, with my family history I need to focus on prevention. I'm sure that I can make improvements to my overall health with the changes I've already implemented, but I need to know how to get the most out of every effort. Beyond that, it has come to my attention that my broad goal is not yet measurable. As I'm learning what it means to be an evaluator, I know that I need to get some baseline data to work off of, and going to a doctor now, and making routine visits will give me a better perspective.

Anyone in northern VA know of any good doctors I can see??

Progress Report
So far, I've done an amazing job of sticking to my goals. I'm still drinking lots of water. I had one can of diet coke this week, and I haven't eaten anything past 9:00. The only other goal I've tried is to eat more slowly. This has actually been a struggle. I don't recognize when I'm eating too fast, though I know I always do, so it's hard to slow down. Maybe I'll start trying to be more aware of my speed generally before I start timing myself. I also have an unspoken goal that I've kept successful for about 2 weeks now. I haven't eaten chocolate. I haven't even craved it.

I'm going to the grocery store this weekend, and I have a few goals for that as well. I'd like to buy some snacks, and so my goals are to avoid the following ingredients: trans fat, enriched flour, and high fructose corn syrup. This may require a trip to Trader Joe's. I'm also planning to purchase a Vitamin D/Calcium supplement. A nurse told me once that right now I need to be building up by bone health in order to prevent osteoporosis, and she recommended that I take a supplement.

I do think I've lost weight. I maintain that this is not the goal of this project, but my usual measures for weight loss are pointing in the affirmative.

Remember me?

Hi friends!

As I left work today, I debated about who was the best person to call to tell about the small successes I've had with my New Years Resolution. When I couldn't commit, I decided that my blog was the answer.

I left this blog two years ago for a few reasons but largely because I felt I wasn't actually successful at meeting any of my goals. Now that I've won a few small challenges, I feel confident enough to get back in the game. In this post, I want to talk about two things: my New Years Resolution (NYR), and an update on my life since last I posted.

For many years, I have had one NYR: lose weight. I might as well have tried convincing myself to carry a ton of bricks on my back. A goal so lofty and so scary had no right to creep into my head. For one, it's too negative, it's like saying, "lose weight or else!" I just couldn't handle it, and on top of that, I've never really cared enough to work towards it. Sure, all of my readers know that I care about my weight. but losing weight meant scary trips to the gym and eating food I don't enjoy.

This year I felt inspired from the success of my last year's NYR to change it up. Last year I resolved to stop comparing myself to others. Such a simple idea, and as it wasn't focused on methods that freaked me out, I was actually able to make huge progress. This year I wanted to do something that sounded equally small, but would have a huge impact on my life. Develop healthy eating habits. So simple, so easy. Most advice columns want specific goals and measurable outcomes, but I wanted something simple to start with, something that I could build up with small steps that will add up to a long lasting, lifestyle change.

In an effort to make this post shorter, I'll skip right to the good stuff and then explain my goal in more detail in posts to come. Right now there are three things making me smile.

1. I have at least doubled my water intake in the last week.
It's already becoming a habit. I'm drinking several glasses of water at work each day, and coming home to drink more. The short term result of this is that instead of being constantly hungry, I'm now constantly full. I love feeling full of water. In the long term I know that not only will this be better for my health overall, but it could lead to weight loss. On top of that, drinking more water leads to more energy, better skin, and can reduce headaches.

2. I haven't craved sweets.
This started a bit more complicated. I think because I was back in Ohio for Christmas and away from easy access to night time temptation (my snacking hour), I haven't been craving sugar for what feels like weeks. I had a few set-backs involving some M&Ms at work, but I don't remember my last ice cream or chocolate craving. When I stopped buying ice cream a few months ago I started eating bowls of cereal or having a PB&J before bed every single night. I couldn't stop myself. I'd start thinking about it literally after dinner, and obsess over it even after I finished my snack. I felt like I always wanted more.

Now I'm satisfied. I bought low sugar/low carb popsicles just in case I was desperate. I've had a few, but without any kind of relentless obsession.

3. I accomplished my goal for today.
To make my NYR more interesting and sustainable, I've decided to try different types of goals. I set a goal for today to not drink diet coke. I have had at least one glass of diet coke almost every day for the last year or two. Not only is the aspartame destroying my teeth, but the sweetness in the soda is probably causing my cravings, rather than calming them. I also managed to avoid a big, delicious, Rice Crispy Treat of a temptation. This more than makes up for the KFC Isaac and I caved to last night.

This brings up my last NYR point before I get to my life updates. This NYR is not all or nothing. I will have slip ups. I will have set backs. I can't allow myself to grieve those moments. Sure, "forgetting" to ask for grilled instead of crispy chicken last night only adds to my failure to reach my NYR. But I'm trying. I wanted it last night, and hopefully I'll reach a point where I can avoid that temptation, just because it didn't happen last night doesn't mean that I've failed.

Life updates!

Most of you already know what's been happening for me. For those of you who don't, in the last two years I have graduated from college with a BA in Political Science. I got married to a wonderful man who's been really sweet and supportive of this endeavor (though he was the one who uttered the word KFC). We lived in Pittsburgh for a few months at the end of 2010, as I worked on a youth get out the vote campaign for the Sierra Club. We then lived for 2 months in Columbus, mostly unemployed, but I did a brief stint with a really cool adult day care. I had hardly settled into my position as receptionist there when I got a job offer to work with Social Impact, an International Development Consulting Firm as a Program Assistant. Isaac and I have been living here in Arlington, VA since April.

I think that's everything for now. Send me a comment/message to suggest any goals you think I should try out!