One Week at a Time

It's ironic. My last post dealt with stress and this week ended up being one of the most stressful weeks of my life. The irony here is that while I was expecting stress, new things kept popping up to make it worse and worse. You know how it is...you think things have reached the lowest of the low and then your car gets towed. No, seriously, my car got towed on Thursday.

Like last week, these painful moments in life take a toll on my goals. In truth, since I've started working out I've stopped making eating goals. But you get my meaning. How can I follow the basic rules when I'm ready to rip out my hair?

As the week started and I felt like my world was spinning out of control I had no appetite. Of course I was eating, but for the first time in my life my response to stress was to eat less. I even bought a really expensive bar of dark chocolate to nibble on, just in case (I read that dark chocolate, 70% or higher, is better for cravings because it's a bit healthier, and because the strong flavor makes you eat less). I think it was Tuesday night that I found myself eating two bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch for dinner. I justified it because I barely at that day. Then on Thursday I found myself gorging. I needed bread and our work retreat had some really delicious, bready options. Unfortunately one day of gorging leads to more. I bought a deep dish pizza with cheesy bread last night and had three pieces of each. It was delicious, but I should have at least gotten thin crust.

Through the week I was actually able to workout on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday. Unfortunately I had more pressing issues (like getting my car back) that prevented me from working out on those days I didn't.

The good news is, while my weight is remaining the same, I've lost two inches in total (half an inch here and there on different parts).

This post is kind of hard to write. I don't blame you if you didn't read this far. The reason I'm writing it is because when I started this blog I wanted to be honest about the things I think we all struggle with but are too afraid to say. I don't want this blog to only reflect the easy moments in this journey. It's really, really hard. It gets a bit easier every day, but there are these continual stumbling blocks that life just has to throw our way no matter what. I can either throw in the towel or just keep swimming.

Giving up lead me to where I was in December: almost 190 lbs. and feeling incredibly depressed about my life. Now I'm down to 182. I've lost 5 lbs. and 4 inches. Yes, it is a struggle each day to stick to it, and I sometimes don't. But I have to convince myself that it's worth it. Even if the numbers stand still, it has to be worth it.

And then life happened

This week, my journey has taken an unfortunate turn. While I exercised vigorously on Sunday and Monday, I didn't get to the gym again until this morning. That means that I took 4 days off, which is supposed to be a big no-no. Rather than getting angry at myself, I want to dig deeper and understand what happened.

Work

My first and most obvious answer here is that I had to work extra hours almost every night this week. I started a new project this week. If you're wondering, it's an evaluation of HIV/AIDS funding streams in South Africa. I thought that this new project would be a small intro into evaluations (something that my firm specializes in, but I have never worked on). I was convinced it would be easy and perhaps even fun-an interesting challenge. Unfortunately it is becoming very clear that I was wrong. My work load is getting much bigger than I thought. My other 7 projects are also in a critical stage and it's looking like the coming weeks are going to be a bit hellish.

Stress

The other element here, that coincides with work is stress. I have been feeling particularly stressed out with this new project. I didn't want to make it a header, but it's also that time of the month, so I'm particularly sensitive to stress and other emotional factors. On Wednesday I actually had my workout clothes on, but simply couldn't get past the first 5 minutes of my workout video. I just felt exhausted. My mind was racing and my body wasn't getting it like it was last time.

I allowed myself to take the break from the workout if I did some research into stress and stress management.

Stress can do some pretty harmful things to our bodies. According to the Mayo Clinic, " Stress that's left unchecked can contribute to health problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity and diabetes." Check out the article I found that from, it has an interesting table that shows the different areas stress can affect: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D.

Additionally, stress is linked to cortisol production in the body, cortisol is a hormone that causes your blood pressure and blood sugar levels to increase. It also causes a buildup of unhealthy fat around the abdomen because it blocks insulin from breaking that down.

Basically stress is a bigger problem than many of us might realize. I just keep thinking back to Friday, as my heart rate was up high, my mood was down quite low, and I felt like there was no way for me to finish work before 5:00. Time and time again I've had the debilitating feeling, that weight that pulls me down, makes me slow and very stressed. Of course my next question is-how do I stop or at least manage these stresses?

Stress Relief

One site, I think it was ivillage, suggested that because stress is linked to weight gain, it is good to meditate and practice relaxation exercises for at least ten minutes each day at work.

The Mayo Clinic suggests a few relaxation techniques that are quite similar to meditation. Here's a few that might be doable:

• Autogenic relaxation. Autogenic means something that comes from within you. In this relaxation technique, you use both visual imagery and body awareness to reduce stress. You repeat words or suggestions in your mind to relax and reduce muscle tension. For example, you may imagine a peaceful setting and then focus on controlled, relaxing breathing, slowing your heart rate, or feeling different physical sensations, such as relaxing each arm or leg one by one.

• Visualization. In this relaxation technique, you form mental images to take a visual journey to a peaceful, calming place or situation. During visualization, try to use as many senses as you can, including smell, sight, sound and touch. If you imagine relaxing at the ocean, for instance, think about such things as the smell of salt water, the sound of crashing waves and the warmth of the sun on your body. You may want to close your eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing.

The article goes on to suggest that it is important to practice these methods, because it takes practice to really get them down and actually lead to health benefits. Now, I'm not sure if I will actually meditate at work, I share an office with two other women, but I do plan to start trying some of this out.

Update

Before I close out today, I have some exciting news! Even though I barely worked out and ate, well, junk all week, I have actually lost 2 pounds since last weekend! This brings my total weight loss to 5 pounds since Christmas.

Quick Update

Okay, okay, yesterday's post may have been a bit hasty. While I'm still disappointed in my poundage, I measured myself this morning and found that I've lost 2 inches off my waist (from 35 to 33, I know you're curious) since January 22. I had planned to wait until February 22 to re-measure, but I needed to feel better. Bad news is, every other measurement is still the same. Maybe I should look on the bright side, because who knows how many inches I could have gained had I not been changing my ways.

Gym update
Yesterday at the gym I felt similar struggles to keep up a fast pace. I know that putting the treadmill on a steep incline and speed walking can be just as effective, I was looking forward to running again, but just couldn't quite get there. Even with 10 minutes warming up I found myself being held back with the strenuous jog. Today I spent 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, hopped on the treadmill, and again found myself going way faster than I normally do. Now, I had it on a much lower incline than normal so I can't say for sure that it was the bike that did the trick, but I can say that I was able to go twice as fast for twice as long for a whopping 25 minutes.

And boy, did I sweat. I never realized how fantastic sweat is. I love that feeling of it seeping down, soaking my clothes. I love wiping my hand across my forehead and then my hand across my shirt. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets me as sweaty as the treadmill, and it is by far the most liberating feeling of my life.

Seriously??

Today was the day. All week long, I have been stretching and sweating and jogging and lifting and toning. After last Saturday's 4 pound surprise, I knew that one week later with this much effort, I was bound to have something to look forward to on the scale. I've heard that your body should really only be losing 1-2 pounds a week, so I told myself that I was definitely going to see at least one pound lower. I rushed to the gym, with euphoria to find I was the first one there, got on the scale and found I actually gained a pound.

Pardon me, but what. the. fuck. Seriously body? Are you taunting me from all the hard work I put you through this week? Are you trying to make me cry? I keep telling myself that it's a pound of muscle, that I actually am toning up my body, but what do I know.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally discouraged. Just because I haven't seen progress this week doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'm thinking about starting a food journal to help me keep track. I haven't been making daily goals for myself so maybe that has something to do with it.

We all know that I have a love hate relationship with my body, but in the last few days as I kill myself at the gym or with a Netflix workout video I like, I can't help but feel so disgusted with myself. The more I see how hard it is to change my body, the clearer my shape becomes. Suddenly this stomach that I thought was slowly shrinking seems like a giant balloon, a zeppelin that I'll never be be rid of. The stretch marks, the cellulite, the jiggling flab that covers every inch of my short frame, while I know it's changing, suddenly seems so much more apparent. I wanted my pants to fit better; I wanted to see my face get narrower.

I remember when I lost the 30 pounds in high school. I remember being dragged along for the ride and then one day, without realizing it the days or weeks before, my body was different. I don't know at what point I started to notice it, but it was obvious. I was becoming this different person and I hadn't even struggled to get there. I barely followed my sister's diet, constantly sneaking snacks at school, and I did not remotely push myself at my forced visits to the gym. And look what happened there.

I know it's hard to really tell what my body looked like in both of these pictures, but if nothing else you can see where my change in self esteem came from. The picture on the top is me starting out my senior year. I was 17 and weighed about 10-20 pounds more than I am today. I wore size 18 pants, ate like a monster, and was incredibly depressed. Below is me after losing about 30-35 pounds. It was my last day of high school. I know it's not a full body picture, and I can tell you I wasn't exactly ready to wear a bikini. But I was 165 and I had never before and barely since felt so great about myself. I often regard this picture as one of the best ones ever taken of me.

I want to be that girl again. I want that smile, that hair, that stomach. I don't know what I did to get like this, but I look forward to the day that I have her confidence again.

Point taken, body

It's amazing what you learn when you start something new. I've learned that changes in diet alone really do have positive impacts on your weight; I've learned that water can actually quench your "hunger;" and this weekend I learned the importance of warming up before exercise.

We've all read the dorky signs that suggest that we actually need to warm up before using exercise machines. We've seen the exercise videos that start with marching in place. And at the same time, we see calm, dry, individuals jump on the treadmill and go full blast. My two days at the gym have shown me what a different experience it can be to warm up first.

I learned this quite by accident. On Saturday I did a few stretches and made my way to the treadmill in the basement of my building, jumped on and took off. Sure, I started slow. Three minutes in, I was good to go and started a brisk jog. About 10 seconds later, my throat was hot, my stomach acid crawled up my esophagus, and the air in my lungs was gone. I desperately slowed down and gulped at the water that did nothing to calm my discomfort. Cursing my physique I continued on, much more slowly, for a pathetic a

nd tragically painful 20 minutes.

Sunday morning I got out of bed and knew that I would continue on in my quest to a better body. Excited that I would enter an empty (or mostly empty) gym I approached the door to find both treadmills filled, one by my new friend from Saturday. Knowing that my now nearly eight year old pelvic fractures prevented me from riding the normal bike, I hopped on to the recumbent bike and peddled (I hope I looked as cool as my f

riends here). Sure, I burned my legs up at high levels, but riding this bike just doesn't get the heart rate up like the treadmill does. 25 minutes later, as I pushed myself to go for 30 minutes, my friend from Saturday motioned to me that he wanted to trade machines with me.

As I hopped on, I worried that my legs were too weak to continue, but thought I'd give it a try. After a few minutes walking uphill, I kicked up the speed and an amazing thing happened: I was fine. Sure, I couldn't keep it up forever, but it was more of a choice than

a demand. For another twenty minutes I proudly jogged and ran uphill, without the same agony as the day before. When I got off, I felt better than ever--I was sweaty, red, and incredibly happy.

Making progress!

Today, I have crossed a milestone in this journey. For the first time in at least five months, I went to the gym. To better understand what this hurdle means, you should read an older post from my first time going to the gym when I used to update this blog in 2010.

I have deliberately chosen to put off going to the gym this time, and focus on healthy eating changes. The reason for this is, as you might know, the gym has never been something that I'm consistently good at. In fact, like so many, when defeat is staring me in the face I tend to just go with it, letting it wash over me like the pull of a strong undertow. At first I fight, I go once or twice. Then I have an excuse not to go, and then more and more pathetic excuses until finally I stop thinking of it altogether. I tell myself that I'm just not the kind of person who goes to the gym at all.

In order to make this lifestyle change work, I needed to succeed. That sounds strange, of course in order to succeed I have to succeed. But I have failed so many times that I need some easy wins. I needed to love slow progress, I needed to change my frame of mind altogether.

A few weeks ago, I woke up, I got dressed. I pulled on stretchy clothes and my worn down tennis shoes, poured ice cold water into my water bottle, grabbed my fully charged iPod. I was ready to work out. I wiggled around a bit to get the blood moving

and took off to the elevator. Once in the basement, I walked right up to the gym, looked in the window, and saw three people inside. After a moments hesitation, I turned and fled.

All I can say is, "at least I got dressed."

This time, I recognized that I already took a first step. I spent much of Friday thinking about the gym. I went over in my head what it would be like to go, how it would make me feel, how it would make my body feel. Then I thought about my reasons for not going. It occurred to me that in all my anxiety of what people would do or think, that I had never actually had a negative experience at the gym. Not once in my life (scratch that, not once outside of gym class) have I actually seen someone ridicule me, or give me a look that suggested such disdain and disgust at my presence in the gym. So what was I worried about?

And today there was an older man in the gym. I smiled at him on my way in, and at the end of my workout, when he was also finishing up, he actually spoke to me and was quite nice. He asked me what one of the machines was for, like I was the expert! It made me feel so good that I'm actually embarrassed that I've let my self consciousness hold me back so much. I'm still not making the gym part of my goals, but my hope is that I will go to the gym on weekends and work out at home when I get home from work at least 3 times a week.

Big news

Alright, this might not be that big of news, but while in the gym today I had a very fortunate opportunity to weigh myself. This is the first time I've weighed myself since Christmas, and I've lost 4 pounds! Just by drinking water, cutting out some fat and sweets, and adding more fruits and vegetables. I didn't actually do anything hard, there was no real challenge here.

This means that I am only 8 pounds from my "normal" weight. Again, this is not a goal, but I am hoping that if I start adding exercise to my lifestyle change that I can easily lose those 8 pounds by my birthday (one month from yesterday). Maybe I'll weigh myself next week and decide if I want to actually make this a goal.

ps-Do you realize how hard it is to find images of an average looking woman working out? I have decided to avoid promoting the stereotyped, perfect image of a woman, and only post alternative body type images. So, although I planned to post an exciting picture of women working out, the only image I'm satisfied with today is that of my favorite America's Next Top Model winner, Whitney.