Seriously??

Today was the day. All week long, I have been stretching and sweating and jogging and lifting and toning. After last Saturday's 4 pound surprise, I knew that one week later with this much effort, I was bound to have something to look forward to on the scale. I've heard that your body should really only be losing 1-2 pounds a week, so I told myself that I was definitely going to see at least one pound lower. I rushed to the gym, with euphoria to find I was the first one there, got on the scale and found I actually gained a pound.

Pardon me, but what. the. fuck. Seriously body? Are you taunting me from all the hard work I put you through this week? Are you trying to make me cry? I keep telling myself that it's a pound of muscle, that I actually am toning up my body, but what do I know.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally discouraged. Just because I haven't seen progress this week doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'm thinking about starting a food journal to help me keep track. I haven't been making daily goals for myself so maybe that has something to do with it.

We all know that I have a love hate relationship with my body, but in the last few days as I kill myself at the gym or with a Netflix workout video I like, I can't help but feel so disgusted with myself. The more I see how hard it is to change my body, the clearer my shape becomes. Suddenly this stomach that I thought was slowly shrinking seems like a giant balloon, a zeppelin that I'll never be be rid of. The stretch marks, the cellulite, the jiggling flab that covers every inch of my short frame, while I know it's changing, suddenly seems so much more apparent. I wanted my pants to fit better; I wanted to see my face get narrower.

I remember when I lost the 30 pounds in high school. I remember being dragged along for the ride and then one day, without realizing it the days or weeks before, my body was different. I don't know at what point I started to notice it, but it was obvious. I was becoming this different person and I hadn't even struggled to get there. I barely followed my sister's diet, constantly sneaking snacks at school, and I did not remotely push myself at my forced visits to the gym. And look what happened there.

I know it's hard to really tell what my body looked like in both of these pictures, but if nothing else you can see where my change in self esteem came from. The picture on the top is me starting out my senior year. I was 17 and weighed about 10-20 pounds more than I am today. I wore size 18 pants, ate like a monster, and was incredibly depressed. Below is me after losing about 30-35 pounds. It was my last day of high school. I know it's not a full body picture, and I can tell you I wasn't exactly ready to wear a bikini. But I was 165 and I had never before and barely since felt so great about myself. I often regard this picture as one of the best ones ever taken of me.

I want to be that girl again. I want that smile, that hair, that stomach. I don't know what I did to get like this, but I look forward to the day that I have her confidence again.

Point taken, body

It's amazing what you learn when you start something new. I've learned that changes in diet alone really do have positive impacts on your weight; I've learned that water can actually quench your "hunger;" and this weekend I learned the importance of warming up before exercise.

We've all read the dorky signs that suggest that we actually need to warm up before using exercise machines. We've seen the exercise videos that start with marching in place. And at the same time, we see calm, dry, individuals jump on the treadmill and go full blast. My two days at the gym have shown me what a different experience it can be to warm up first.

I learned this quite by accident. On Saturday I did a few stretches and made my way to the treadmill in the basement of my building, jumped on and took off. Sure, I started slow. Three minutes in, I was good to go and started a brisk jog. About 10 seconds later, my throat was hot, my stomach acid crawled up my esophagus, and the air in my lungs was gone. I desperately slowed down and gulped at the water that did nothing to calm my discomfort. Cursing my physique I continued on, much more slowly, for a pathetic a

nd tragically painful 20 minutes.

Sunday morning I got out of bed and knew that I would continue on in my quest to a better body. Excited that I would enter an empty (or mostly empty) gym I approached the door to find both treadmills filled, one by my new friend from Saturday. Knowing that my now nearly eight year old pelvic fractures prevented me from riding the normal bike, I hopped on to the recumbent bike and peddled (I hope I looked as cool as my f

riends here). Sure, I burned my legs up at high levels, but riding this bike just doesn't get the heart rate up like the treadmill does. 25 minutes later, as I pushed myself to go for 30 minutes, my friend from Saturday motioned to me that he wanted to trade machines with me.

As I hopped on, I worried that my legs were too weak to continue, but thought I'd give it a try. After a few minutes walking uphill, I kicked up the speed and an amazing thing happened: I was fine. Sure, I couldn't keep it up forever, but it was more of a choice than

a demand. For another twenty minutes I proudly jogged and ran uphill, without the same agony as the day before. When I got off, I felt better than ever--I was sweaty, red, and incredibly happy.

Making progress!

Today, I have crossed a milestone in this journey. For the first time in at least five months, I went to the gym. To better understand what this hurdle means, you should read an older post from my first time going to the gym when I used to update this blog in 2010.

I have deliberately chosen to put off going to the gym this time, and focus on healthy eating changes. The reason for this is, as you might know, the gym has never been something that I'm consistently good at. In fact, like so many, when defeat is staring me in the face I tend to just go with it, letting it wash over me like the pull of a strong undertow. At first I fight, I go once or twice. Then I have an excuse not to go, and then more and more pathetic excuses until finally I stop thinking of it altogether. I tell myself that I'm just not the kind of person who goes to the gym at all.

In order to make this lifestyle change work, I needed to succeed. That sounds strange, of course in order to succeed I have to succeed. But I have failed so many times that I need some easy wins. I needed to love slow progress, I needed to change my frame of mind altogether.

A few weeks ago, I woke up, I got dressed. I pulled on stretchy clothes and my worn down tennis shoes, poured ice cold water into my water bottle, grabbed my fully charged iPod. I was ready to work out. I wiggled around a bit to get the blood moving

and took off to the elevator. Once in the basement, I walked right up to the gym, looked in the window, and saw three people inside. After a moments hesitation, I turned and fled.

All I can say is, "at least I got dressed."

This time, I recognized that I already took a first step. I spent much of Friday thinking about the gym. I went over in my head what it would be like to go, how it would make me feel, how it would make my body feel. Then I thought about my reasons for not going. It occurred to me that in all my anxiety of what people would do or think, that I had never actually had a negative experience at the gym. Not once in my life (scratch that, not once outside of gym class) have I actually seen someone ridicule me, or give me a look that suggested such disdain and disgust at my presence in the gym. So what was I worried about?

And today there was an older man in the gym. I smiled at him on my way in, and at the end of my workout, when he was also finishing up, he actually spoke to me and was quite nice. He asked me what one of the machines was for, like I was the expert! It made me feel so good that I'm actually embarrassed that I've let my self consciousness hold me back so much. I'm still not making the gym part of my goals, but my hope is that I will go to the gym on weekends and work out at home when I get home from work at least 3 times a week.

Big news

Alright, this might not be that big of news, but while in the gym today I had a very fortunate opportunity to weigh myself. This is the first time I've weighed myself since Christmas, and I've lost 4 pounds! Just by drinking water, cutting out some fat and sweets, and adding more fruits and vegetables. I didn't actually do anything hard, there was no real challenge here.

This means that I am only 8 pounds from my "normal" weight. Again, this is not a goal, but I am hoping that if I start adding exercise to my lifestyle change that I can easily lose those 8 pounds by my birthday (one month from yesterday). Maybe I'll weigh myself next week and decide if I want to actually make this a goal.

ps-Do you realize how hard it is to find images of an average looking woman working out? I have decided to avoid promoting the stereotyped, perfect image of a woman, and only post alternative body type images. So, although I planned to post an exciting picture of women working out, the only image I'm satisfied with today is that of my favorite America's Next Top Model winner, Whitney.

How the Internet is Changing My Ways

Discovering I'm not alone

One of the coolest things about making this lifestyle change is the realization that I'm not alone. I realize that I'm posting this to my facebook page right above some lovely feedback, but it goes beyond that. Beyond the wonderful, honest, heartfelt comments that I receive, I am slowly coming to this realization that the issues with my body and my health are practically universal. In my research I've discovered hundreds of articles and images that point to this.

My new favorite website, www.ivillage.com, is full of helpful lists, tools, discussion boards etc. for real women who face daily challenges in overcoming the same obstacles that I'm struggling with. I'm really loving this article on their website, 40 No-Fail Diet Tips to Keep Your Resolutions on Track.

I've found my exact goals listed all over the internet from other women trying to get through the same thing. This brings me a remarkable sense of community that I'm so happy to be a part of. I hope that my blog does more than just keep me honest about reaching my goals, but that it inspires other women the way I've been inspired through my research.

Beyond my NYR

While working out how I would go about this lifestyle change, I had this idea that this year I would work on more than my health. I created a comprehensive list of all the areas of my life that I want to change, as well as a few ideas for steps I can take to change them. I did this in case I stop progressing on this NYR and I can then move o

n down the list. I bring this up because working on this NYR has also helped with two of the other areas on my list-read more, and watch less TV. I've found that I'm so busy keeping up with my NYR that I hardly have time to continue my hours of television watching that has literally taken over my life. Sure, I'm still behind a screen for about 12 hours a day, but I still count this as progress!

Because I LOVE beautiful images of average women, I leave you with the beauty above. I can't believe that with the body I have, it still shocks me to see images like this. Look at those rolls! And she is still so beautiful, not in spite of, but because she isn't a stick figure.

I'm WHAT!!!???

As a means of becoming more focused in my healthy living plans and in order to keep my goals interesting and appropriately challenging, I've been doing quite a bit of online exploration. This weekend I've been a bit focused on body types. I'm struggling with this difference between being an apple or a pear.

As women, we are often classified into various roles and definitions. What might be most damaging are the somewhat rigid categories of body types. Yesterday, I read all sorts of ridiculous names for women's bodys: banana, rectangle, triangle, hourglass (that one is standard). When I was younger, I always felt like thin women had a wide variety of body types. Us voluptuous ladies were stuck with one: curvy. What the hell does that even mean? Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? In any case, as I've dug a bit deeper into the idiotic classifications that God-knows-who created, I've learned that overweight women now have two different major body types-apple or pear. Supposedly apples carry their weight above their waist and pears are keeping it below the belt. For an added bonus, dear readers, check out this website's version of female body types (personally, I love the Boteroesque).

Anyone that knows me knows that I often find what I'm sure are hilarious names and jokes about my derrière. I've always thought of myself as a pear, the apparently more attractive, nominally healthier type. But I also carry weight in my upper arms, breasts, and face. Those are above my waist, right? So what does that make me? Does it matter?

On top of all of this, I've also discovered what I now think are destructive BMI calculators. After using 3 different calculators, with various questions and levels of self-proclaimed validity, the results are all the same: obese. Although I'm only about 1-2 points into this category, the word still rings clear in my brain. Unfortunately, I haven't weighed myself since beginning this transition, so I suppose it's possible for the ratio to be slightly less than what I've seen. I have to lose about 20 pounds to just be overweight, and about 40 pounds to be on the heavier side of "normal." To put all of this in perspective, "normal" for me, is about 175 (I'm not there right now). When I came home from Uganda feeling great about myself, I was 170. Both are obese. When I lost like 35 lbs. in high school, and was weighing in at 165, my lowest in a long time, I was still in the "overweight" category.

So again comes my favorite question-What does it all mean?

Does this actually matter? I guess I don't know. Does anyone really know? It's so easy to find what seem like legitimate articles that tell you it doesn't matter, and then another that swears by the BMI. Maybe it's a matter of preference. I do know that I hate the word obese, and I've been trying so hard to avoid that classification. Look at the ladies above. At first I planned to explain how the girl on the far right is not only the most beautiful but also airbrushed and unrealistic, but I think it's destructive for anyone to speak like that. We are all beautiful, no matter the type. We just need to find strength to admit it.

In any case, I also need to check in with y'all on my progress. This past week has been hell on my eating plans. I haven't been setting goals, but only a few times did I sneak an unwelcome snack. I've also been drinking water, more than I used to (which was none, btw), but still less than I was. I think this week I need to be more vigilant. I want to get back to how I was feeling when I started blogging again. I was on top of the world. I can keep that up!

What does it mean to be healthy?

This is a question that I never thought I'd be considering to any great length. My past weight loss efforts have been largely a forced power struggle between myself and my older sister. I didn't know what low-carb meant, and no matter how many times Danae tried to explain it to me, I didn't care. Now I'm coming upon 24 years old. I can feel the decline in vitality already. As I look into my future it's not just about having kids or a career. I see cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's, high cholesterol, osteoporosis...all of which I've seen close family members suffer through. Where does this leave me? How am I, coming from one of the least healthy states in our already unhealthy country, going to avoid it?

The word itself is losing meaning. When I was younger, healthy meant one thing: thin. Now I need to know what happens on the inside. Where do I shift my attention and adjust my lifestyle? So far I've had two thoughts, and I gladly welcome other suggestions. First, I need to become a master of my own body. I want to understand how it works, and what makes it work well. I'll need to expand my research beyond "healthy" recipes.

Second, I need to see a doctor. Although I've never had any major health problems, with my family history I need to focus on prevention. I'm sure that I can make improvements to my overall health with the changes I've already implemented, but I need to know how to get the most out of every effort. Beyond that, it has come to my attention that my broad goal is not yet measurable. As I'm learning what it means to be an evaluator, I know that I need to get some baseline data to work off of, and going to a doctor now, and making routine visits will give me a better perspective.

Anyone in northern VA know of any good doctors I can see??

Progress Report
So far, I've done an amazing job of sticking to my goals. I'm still drinking lots of water. I had one can of diet coke this week, and I haven't eaten anything past 9:00. The only other goal I've tried is to eat more slowly. This has actually been a struggle. I don't recognize when I'm eating too fast, though I know I always do, so it's hard to slow down. Maybe I'll start trying to be more aware of my speed generally before I start timing myself. I also have an unspoken goal that I've kept successful for about 2 weeks now. I haven't eaten chocolate. I haven't even craved it.

I'm going to the grocery store this weekend, and I have a few goals for that as well. I'd like to buy some snacks, and so my goals are to avoid the following ingredients: trans fat, enriched flour, and high fructose corn syrup. This may require a trip to Trader Joe's. I'm also planning to purchase a Vitamin D/Calcium supplement. A nurse told me once that right now I need to be building up by bone health in order to prevent osteoporosis, and she recommended that I take a supplement.

I do think I've lost weight. I maintain that this is not the goal of this project, but my usual measures for weight loss are pointing in the affirmative.

Remember me?

Hi friends!

As I left work today, I debated about who was the best person to call to tell about the small successes I've had with my New Years Resolution. When I couldn't commit, I decided that my blog was the answer.

I left this blog two years ago for a few reasons but largely because I felt I wasn't actually successful at meeting any of my goals. Now that I've won a few small challenges, I feel confident enough to get back in the game. In this post, I want to talk about two things: my New Years Resolution (NYR), and an update on my life since last I posted.

For many years, I have had one NYR: lose weight. I might as well have tried convincing myself to carry a ton of bricks on my back. A goal so lofty and so scary had no right to creep into my head. For one, it's too negative, it's like saying, "lose weight or else!" I just couldn't handle it, and on top of that, I've never really cared enough to work towards it. Sure, all of my readers know that I care about my weight. but losing weight meant scary trips to the gym and eating food I don't enjoy.

This year I felt inspired from the success of my last year's NYR to change it up. Last year I resolved to stop comparing myself to others. Such a simple idea, and as it wasn't focused on methods that freaked me out, I was actually able to make huge progress. This year I wanted to do something that sounded equally small, but would have a huge impact on my life. Develop healthy eating habits. So simple, so easy. Most advice columns want specific goals and measurable outcomes, but I wanted something simple to start with, something that I could build up with small steps that will add up to a long lasting, lifestyle change.

In an effort to make this post shorter, I'll skip right to the good stuff and then explain my goal in more detail in posts to come. Right now there are three things making me smile.

1. I have at least doubled my water intake in the last week.
It's already becoming a habit. I'm drinking several glasses of water at work each day, and coming home to drink more. The short term result of this is that instead of being constantly hungry, I'm now constantly full. I love feeling full of water. In the long term I know that not only will this be better for my health overall, but it could lead to weight loss. On top of that, drinking more water leads to more energy, better skin, and can reduce headaches.

2. I haven't craved sweets.
This started a bit more complicated. I think because I was back in Ohio for Christmas and away from easy access to night time temptation (my snacking hour), I haven't been craving sugar for what feels like weeks. I had a few set-backs involving some M&Ms at work, but I don't remember my last ice cream or chocolate craving. When I stopped buying ice cream a few months ago I started eating bowls of cereal or having a PB&J before bed every single night. I couldn't stop myself. I'd start thinking about it literally after dinner, and obsess over it even after I finished my snack. I felt like I always wanted more.

Now I'm satisfied. I bought low sugar/low carb popsicles just in case I was desperate. I've had a few, but without any kind of relentless obsession.

3. I accomplished my goal for today.
To make my NYR more interesting and sustainable, I've decided to try different types of goals. I set a goal for today to not drink diet coke. I have had at least one glass of diet coke almost every day for the last year or two. Not only is the aspartame destroying my teeth, but the sweetness in the soda is probably causing my cravings, rather than calming them. I also managed to avoid a big, delicious, Rice Crispy Treat of a temptation. This more than makes up for the KFC Isaac and I caved to last night.

This brings up my last NYR point before I get to my life updates. This NYR is not all or nothing. I will have slip ups. I will have set backs. I can't allow myself to grieve those moments. Sure, "forgetting" to ask for grilled instead of crispy chicken last night only adds to my failure to reach my NYR. But I'm trying. I wanted it last night, and hopefully I'll reach a point where I can avoid that temptation, just because it didn't happen last night doesn't mean that I've failed.

Life updates!

Most of you already know what's been happening for me. For those of you who don't, in the last two years I have graduated from college with a BA in Political Science. I got married to a wonderful man who's been really sweet and supportive of this endeavor (though he was the one who uttered the word KFC). We lived in Pittsburgh for a few months at the end of 2010, as I worked on a youth get out the vote campaign for the Sierra Club. We then lived for 2 months in Columbus, mostly unemployed, but I did a brief stint with a really cool adult day care. I had hardly settled into my position as receptionist there when I got a job offer to work with Social Impact, an International Development Consulting Firm as a Program Assistant. Isaac and I have been living here in Arlington, VA since April.

I think that's everything for now. Send me a comment/message to suggest any goals you think I should try out!