After six months...

It has now been over six months since I started this journey.  I am happy to say that I've come very far since my first post this year.  I've had many ups and downs throughout this process, including more recently when I gained five pounds and lost the momentum that I've worked so hard to build. 

Today I am a different woman than the one who began this blog, not just the one who wrote again in January but the person I've been my whole life.  My sedentary lifestyle was so comfortable and natural that I couldn't imagine being anything else. When I compared myself to the beautiful women that surround me in movies, magazines, at work or just on the street, I simply knew that I could never have what I saw in them, so I accepted defeat.  I've come to realize that I had a problem.  It was more than just being depressed or lazy or tired or even just misinformed.  I was afraid.  I was afraid to try because I was afraid to fail. 

Six months ago I told myself that I was going to ignore those impulses that have become ingrained into my being.  I decided that drinking a glass of water was a major accomplishment.  When I allowed myself to be excited about and proud of those miniscule accomplishments, I slowly began to shed that fear of failure.  Even on those early days that I failed I decided that I was still succeeding, and that motivated me to do something a little bigger, a little harder. 

These last few weeks/months have been a major challenge.  My willpower decreased but it never disappeared.  I was on the verge of slipping back into my old ways, obsessed with the fact that I had not been losing weight.  Filled with bitterness, I found subtle ways to punish myself for it. 

After some major reflection I came to realize that my priorities had gotten lost.  I started this journey with one goal: to be healthier.  Being a healthy person does not necessarily mean constantly losing pounds.  Being healthy means eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise.  And those two things are so small and so easy that I simply had to refocus my energy to those goals.

While running on the treadmill today I thought about the challenge of a hard workout.  The sweat trickling down my forehead towards my cheek, the way my muscles shake from exhaustion, and of course the continued pain the next day that tells me that I've done something really good, for me.  That pain represents what I had been afraid of-all the sweat, the grunting challenge of it all.  Now that pain is what motivates me.  Sure, there are times when I don't want to work out.  But when I'm in the thick of it, I'm happier than I've almost ever been.  I feel strong and sexy and free.

Two weeks ago I shot up to 177.  Today I weigh 174.  Tomorrow I could weigh 175, 178 even.  As long as I focus on what really matters--my health and happiness, the rest of it will come and go along the way.  I still have a weight loss goal, and I'm still going to celebrate when/if I hit it.  For now I have to just be happy with this slow journey and small successes.

It's finally happened!

 That's right everyone, I've reached my very first weight loss goal.  In the last 4.5 months, I have lost 15 lbs., taking my weight from about 190 to 175.  I'm finally at the weight that I feel comfortable in.  At this weight, I feel way more like me.  From here on out, it's real weight loss.  I haven't been below 175 since 2009, so I can't wait for the coming weeks.

So far, that 15 lbs. represents 8.5 inches lost overall.  It's been small increments of both pounds and inches, but it is in moments like this one that makes the tortured waiting seem worth while.  At this rate it will take about 8 months to reach my overall goal of 150lbs.  Isaac mentioned that it doesn't have to take that long if I work more at it (today was the first day in a week that I've gone to the gym).  I think that's true, and I think I will have spurts of hard work coming up, but as usual, I don't want to start with something I can't handle.  If I take 8 more months I will have completed my goal in about a year, and maybe that's okay.

The downside of the gym: The STARING

Most people have the same icky feeling about the gym, "It'd be better if there weren't all those people there, with their eyes."  In my case there typically aren't many people there, outside of a few specific times throughout the day/week.  9:00am on Saturday and Sunday used to be my time.  Unfortunately, one person ruined that for me.  This man, I call him the mountain goat, comes in every Saturday/Sunday at about 9:00, and I recently had to start waiting until 10 or 11 to go to the gym because of him.

The mountain goat used to just be funny.  In the last year of working out, I've probably seen him down there 10-15 times.  He is a short little man with a noticeable Napoleon complex.  Every time he's in the gym he does the same thing.  He gets on the treadmill for I think 30 or 60 minutes, cranks up the speed and the incline, and then holds on to the top of the machine for dear life as his legs flail about like a cartoon.  As he struggles up his mountain (see, the mountain goat), sweat pours off of him so profusely that the bottom of the treadmill is permanently stained with huge drops of sweat.  To make things worse, when he gets off he goes over to the trashcan, takes off his sticky tank-top, and rings it out. 

You might be wondering two things: why do I sound so hateful about this seemingly innocent behavior, and why do I know so much about his habits?  Well like I said, it used to just be funny, until it became personal.  The structure of our gym is important here.  We have two treadmills that are next to each other, facing a wall-sized mirror.  As I run on one, the mountain goat repeatedly looks over and just stares at me (see image above for a visual).  Here I am, self-conscious, sweaty, trying to zone in on my workout, when this creepy little man is looking me up and down.  There is literally nothing but a blank wall beyond me, so there is no reason for his head to be turned my way.

Doesn't he know that as I stare ahead at the mirror, I can see exactly what he's doing?  I try to glare back at him, but every time I do, he's not looking at me anymore and I worry that he thinks I'm staring as well.  It makes my blood boil.  I get so worked up thinking about what to say.  Do I tell him to knock it off?  Do I ask him what his problem is?  Do I just tell him it makes me uncomfortable?  No, I just avoid going when I think he's there.

And then that feeling of being violated escalates as he takes off his shirt IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, so I can't help but notice and want to barf.  I mean, do that when no one's around, there's a bathroom, a bathroom with privacy and a door!  You don't do stuff like that with a woman around!

I can't be the only one who experiences this.  I went too early last weekend and unfortunately had to leave when he walked in.  Now I know not to go between 8:30 and 10:30.

Weight Loss Math

Weight loss is about a special kind of math.  You have to count pounds of fat, such as the one pound of fat pictured above; pounds of weights; numbers of cups, tablespoons, and teaspoons; minutes on the treadmill; number of crunches, and squats.  Most complicated of all, it's counting calories.

I will never be one of those women who counts each calorie that goes into her mouth.  But I do think it's important to know the calories/portion sizes in the food you buy.  I also think it's important to know how those calories affect weight loss.

It is mostly accepted (though apparently controversial) that it takes a 3500 calorie deficit to lose one pound.  If this is true, it means that I've lost 24,500 calories.  It also means that I have 105,000 calories left to reach my big goal weight.  Only 35,000 calories to meet my next milestone weight.

In the article I read that taught me the above, I learned that you burn more calories during the day than you do in the one hour at the gym.  It makes sense.  Every motion we make burns calories.  One extra effort I've been trying to make in this area is to do extra house work.  I have a dishwasher but I wash several dishes by hand.

There are people in this world who actually work to solve the answer to how many calories we burn during mundane activities.  According to this Discovery Health article, brushing your teeth for at least two minutes burns 5.7 calories.  Dusting your house for 30 minutes burns 80 calories, which is way fewer than this much more exciting activity-kissing for 30 minutes only burns 36 calories.  For me though, the calories that I deserve to burn more than any other are the 72 calories I burn for each hour spent watching TV.

How much is too much?

When this process started I convinced myself that I was not doing this to see a smaller number on the scale or the tag on my clothes.  I weighed myself as a progress check, but the more numbers that fell off, the more addicting it became.  I crave weight loss, but how much?  How much can I handle?  How hard can I go before I break?

That's the fear; that's the way I conceptualize where this is going.  I see myself as having a wall around me and to cross it or break through is impossible, if not dangerous.  I live within this boundary, afraid of the pain that is awaiting for me on the other side.  I'm certain that going out of my box is the first step towards failure.  But now I want to really question that and consider whether I'm underestimating those boundaries.

Maybe pain and danger aren't right in this case.  Failure is the key word here.  I'm so afraid of discovering my limit that I don't know if I've ever really tried to find it.  The past few weeks I've found myself busier than I have been in quite a while.  I haven't had the time or ability to go to the gym, and my determination to eat healthy has faltered.  Is this okay?  Am I allowing myself those realistic set backs?  I said that I would.  I said that I wanted to achieve what was reasonable, what was my small victories.  But where has that lead me?  I've lost 7 lbs. in 4 months.  That's nothing.  That's almost laughable.  Sure, if this continues it could lead to a big number, but the way I've been lately has me thinking that the day the scale reads that magic number will never happen.

So what do I do?  Where do I push?  With every doable suggestion that crosses my brain, I cannot help but think about the failure.  Right now the wall I'm hitting is the one that's telling me that even if I go all out and lose 2 lbs. a week until I hit the magic number, what happens a year from that day?  How long can I really keep that up?  I'll never be able to maintain that weight and I don't think I can handle another round of weight gain. 

Today at the gym I had all of this in mind.  I wanted to try it out.  I normally do about 100 crunches, usually 25 at a time until I hit 100.  I was reaching 20, feeling the burn in my stomach, the acid creeping up my esophagus, but I made it to 50 before I fell back.  I did finish 100.  Later on the treadmill I wanted to test how long I could jog at once.  I normally can only keep up speed for about 30 seconds before I let myself walk.  I had a goal of 1 minute.  It quickly turned into 2.  I stopped at 3.

These aren't rhetorical questions.  Any suggestions or advice is most welcome.  I want to try out different suggestions and find something that seems to work.

If they're going to be fat, they might as well be strong

As you know, I am most self conscious about my arms.  You can see why in my first ever blog post.  The way they jiggle, smack against me as I run, and the way they take up most of my profile are all reasons why I hate them.  They are two oversize bags of vanilla pudding.  They are a skinny woman's thighs.  They are what I want to change the most.  The good news is that I've taken this hatred and turned it into something cool.  I am now becoming a master of lifting weights.  I started this under the false impression that lifting weights would lead to burning fat in my arms.  I now know that you cannot make the body burn fat in any specific location.  It simply burns fat where it wants, and sometimes it's in my arms.  Regardless, there are some amazing benefits to this new endeavor, and I want to share them with you today.

According to this Women's Health article, a mere 21% of women strength train two or more times a week.  It goes on to say, "Those two sessions can reduce overall body fat by about three percentage points in just 10 weeks, even if you don't cut a single calorie."  I think women avoid weights because they fear that it will cause them to bulk up and look manly.  The bottom line is that women's bodies are not designed to do this.  We don't have enough testosterone to support such a change.  Lifting weights builds muscle, which burns fat and boosts your metabolism.  Not only that, but lifting weights is fun and interesting; it makes me feel strong. 

When I started this process I purchased a pair of 5 lb weights from Target for $16.  I highly recommend the investment.  There are five key muscle groups to target when doing an upper body workout: chest, shoulders, back, biceps and triceps.  It's important to hit each one and try different techniques for each area.  Let me take a step back.  I want this to be accessible, so in this next session I'm actually going to get into the very basics of how to lift weights.

The basics
The standard thought on conceptualizing lifting weights involves sets and reps.  When I lifted weights in high school with my mom and sister, we'd typically do something like three sets for each muscle group, 5-7 repetitions (reps) of the motion.  In between sets, it's generally thought that you should rest for about 30 seconds.

According to (my favorite website) ivillage, it is actually bad to rest between sets.  The article I linked, 11 exercise myths, says, "Stopping to rest for a minute or so after every exercise can sabotage results. 'Too much rest lets lactic acid dissipate,' said Rubenstein. And muscle growth (and tone and definition) requires lactic acid. Instead, keep up the intensity by moving quickly from one exercise to the next. 'You should be somewhat recovered but not completely,' says Rubenstein. If you can do 15 reps the first set, and one or two fewer on the next, you're on the right track."

Because of this, I've been doing many more reps.  I think my 5 lb weights are getting a little light for me, so I find myself doing about 20 reps of each exercise.  As with most exercise, the key here is form and control.  It's better to use a lighter weight and do the motion correctly than it is to stress your body too quickly using something 5 lbs. too heavy.  For example, when doing a bicep curl, the idea is to keep your body still, lock your elbows at your side and only raise your forearm.  Never allow your arms to lock or you'll stress the muscle.  I also have to focus extra hard to keep my core in check. 


Suggested exercises
First of all, it just occurred to me that I no longer know the names of most of the workouts I do.  So I'm going to start by sending you to this really cool website with some tutorials and suggested workouts.

As for the ones I do remember or was able to describe well in the search bar, here are some suggestions.  First is the concentration curl.  I like to hold both weights in one hand when I do this one.  There is also the dumbbell lateral raise which, while I am suggesting you try it, is really hard.  My biggest accomplishment in life is that I'm finally able to do this exercise without making a stupid face.  This last one is another favorite.  It's the dumbbell triceps extension.  I also do this one with two weights.

Please feel free to ask questions or give any suggestions.  This is such a great and useful workout.  I hope you decide to try it out!

Progress Photo

I can't believe it's been almost a whole month since my last post!  I am not quitting on you now, I've just been extremely busy and unfortunately this blog moved down low on my priorities list.  I'd like to take this opportunity to present my first two comparison photos.  These two pictures might be unfair comparisons because they were taken at different angles and wearing slightly different clothes (yes, I know that I own two practically identical tank tops), but I like to think that the picture on the bottom shows a narrower face, waist, and arms (though those have barely reduced).  Even if there is no real change, I'll accept my new photo as progress.

2/6/12

3/17/12

While I might have had progress since beginning this activity, it has really slowed in the last few weeks.  I was away this weekend and was unable to workout Saturday or Sunday, or do my measurements.  I did, however, run 1 mile in under 15 minutes on Friday (it's a long story, but that's huge progress from my 18 minute miles I was doing before), I also hiked up a mountain on Saturday for about 2 hours.  According to my measurements taken on March 11, I've still only lost 5 pounds in total but have lost 6 inches off my body.  The weird progress here is that 4 of those inches have come off while maintaining my current weight.  In addition to the jeans that used to refuse to button just months ago, last night I tried on several tops that fit like they did several years ago or better.  One of my favorite shirts was always a little snug in the arms, but last night was probably looser than ever before.

I know I owe a longer post, but this is all I have in me for now.  More to come later!