Sorry for the brief hiatus. I meant to write on the first but was honestly feeling unhappy with where my body was. I had been hoping to write a glorious post about how I met a new fitness milestone. Instead I will simply write that after two years I remain in the best shape of my life and can truly say that I'm a different person. Because I'm proud of how far I've come, I want to share the details and then get into what it all means.
Numbers
I wanted to show progression here, so I've laid out my measurements over the last two years.
Weight
(Late December 2011): About 190 lb.
12/31/12: 167
1/16/13: 137 lb.
Total loss: -53 lb.
Measurements (in inches)
Body Part 2/12/12 12/31/12 1/16/13 Total Loss
Bust: 40, 37, 33.5 -6.5
Right arm: 14, 14, 12 -2
Left arm: 15, 14, 12 - 3
Waist: 35, 31, 27 -8
Stomach: 40, 38, 33.5 -6.5
Hips: 45, 43, 39 -6
Right thigh: 27, 25.5, 22.5 -4.5
Left thigh: 26.5, 25, 22 -4.5
Total loss -41 inches
Clothing sizes
Top: XL/XXL, M, S/XS -5 sizes
Bottom: XL/14-16, L/10, S/M/4-6 -5 sizes
Dress: XL/14-16, 12, S/4-6 -5 sizes
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| Not a fan of this one, from 1/1/14 |
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| Feb 2012 |
It is no exaggeration to say that I am a different person. When I think about who I was two years ago, or who I was at 17 and almost 200 lbs, I don't recognize her. She is becoming a distant memory.
And I don't mean to suggest that I don't want to remember her or that I am embarrassed by her. Rather, I am attempting to integrate that person into who I am today, one whole individual with faults and difficulties and a newly-formed, slammin bod.
More than the physical change, my mentality is totally different. I love myself in ways I never dreamed possible. Today I described part of my journey to a colleague. I mentioned that I was disappointed with the lack of progress in my still rather large arms. And then I was horrified when she suggested that I one day undergo plastic surgery to get my body to where I want it.
The truth is that with all of my faults I remain a perfect human. Not in the way that photoshopped models in magazines are perfect but in the fact that the miracle of human life exists within me and pulses through every inch of my human body. Every scar, flab, stretch mark, and section of dimpled flesh comes together to give me the power to be who I am. I write papers with these stubby dry fingers; read and research social problems with my dark-circle/crows feet ridden eyes; I speak to survivors of domestic violence and their children with these cracked lips. More than these physical imperfections I have an incredible brain that equally troubles me with forgotten memories, jumbled speech, and terrible math skills and still makes me who I am, all of those things combined.
Sure, I'm not totally there yet. My mood swings still sweep me off my feet and land me in bed from time to time, but they are fewer and far between. And sure, I gained five pounds during the semester, but I took it back off and I will continue to allow the occasional indulgence to balance out hours of stress related to school and work.
It's an incredible thing to discover yourself within yourself. She's been there the whole time, buried below layers of traumatic memories and self deprecation. I'm just so happy to have gotten this far.
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| A post like this deserves a cute pic of me (summer 2013) |
I don't think I'm done yet. School has caused me to step back in my activity level, you know, so I don't fail. Well, I haven't failed yet so I'd like to find a way to succeed both in my academic goals as well as my mental/physical health goals. I've signed up for a fitness program at school where they give you an assessment and tell you to work out for 150 mins/week for three months and measure the end result. I think I can do it, my heart sure wants me to.
The bottom line is that every day is filled with choices. I can choose to be healthy or I can choose to fall back on unhealthy patterns. Each choice really is a challenge and I celebrate every good one, no matter how small. I'd like to say I'll post more, but the odds of that are slim. I will say that I hope that anyone reading this can take away that with all the pain and the struggle that I've been through, it really is possible and worth it to change your life into something more positive, whatever that means. What looks like a mountain at first glance becomes a series of small steps that takes you to where you want to be. I'll never stop climbing.
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| Enjoying life (Sept 2013) |
<3
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