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Running Streak 1/31

All ready for the first run!

Today was the first day of my running streak!  And I did it, so already, I'm doing great!  Today was also the first day of my summer break and therefore had two goals: clean and run.  Isaac and I spent about four hours this morning focused on spring cleaning, this is in addition to the two hours I spent yesterday organizing papers from this semester.  At about 10am we divided and conquered, and this is the first time that we haven't been expecting company that the house has been this clean.

With a lofty goal of sweeping months of piled-up old dust out of the house, I still had my heart set on running with my hubby today.  We set a goal of 1.25 miles, and let me tell you, it was torture.  Despite the bit of running I did last week, I felt like I could barely make it through this one.  I can only imagine that the next few days are going to be torture.  I was originally planning to bump it up to 1.5 tomorrow, but now I'm just hoping I can get through 1!

Tonight I am celebrating the end of my first year of grad school and saying thank you to my wonderful hubby who has been so supportive of me this entire time, despite the house being in a constant state of disarray, my hours spent on the laptop, and my constant requests for his assistance as my personal chauffeur.  I'm planning a special night for the two of us.  I can't say more because it's a surprise.  Let's just say I'm glad I don't have to clean the house before he get's home from work.  Let's also just say that I hope these extra calories won't do too much to me and my goals.

Anyway, after a long week of goodbyes and treats to match the sentiments, I write to you having gained a few pounds.  I begin my running streak at 139 lb. and I hope to lose three pounds this month to keep me on schedule for my ten pound total.  

As for the rest of this month, I'm happy that I've been posting in my blog more regularly, but I don't expect to post after every day.  I'll likely strive for once a week, possibly more if I hit a particularly hard run.

As always, thanks for your love and support!

Baby steps

I've ran three times since last week!  The first was a desperately hard half mile run.  And today and yesterday I've enjoyed two roughly 1.5 milers.  I'm proud of myself for getting back into it, and I'm excited to see what this summer brings.

My run today was great.  I woke up not really feeling into it (I'm typically a morning runner).  But tonight after Isaac went to work, I dragged myself out of bed and did a little shuffle out of the house.  I ran a different route (pretty slow).  Then at the end, after I had walked for a bit, I sprinted the last quarter mile back to my house.  Luckily, someone actually filmed that part of my run (see below).

Seriously though, I need to remind myself every day how much I love myself when I run.  And I plan to make it a bigger part of my life once again.  In an effort to start rebuilding the habit of running, I'm toying with the idea of doing a running streak.  Several friends of mine posted about doing it in December (bravo if you were one of them).  May is such a perfect month for running.  Not too hot or too cold, though I imagine that the rain will be a deterrent.  I'm still creating my own rules, but basically the challenge is to run every day for the month.  I've seen online that the minimum is one mile, but I think my body might not tolerate that, so I'm thinking of a half mile minimum.  The idea is that just by doing it every day, I'll build it back into my lifestyle.  I hope then that it will continue through the summer and stick with me when school starts back up again.  If you're interested, I found this article to be quite interesting on running streaks.

This week I have one day in the field and two days at school.  Then I have the next week and a half OFF!  Woohoo!  What a great time to really kick this whole thing off and focus on me again!  This is going to be a great summer!

Let's Get Down to Business

Okay gang, I'm back with new healthy goals for the summer.  My first year of graduate school ends in 1.5 weeks, and it's time for me to get back to the body I love.  It's not that I am totally back to my old habits (though the four pieces of pizza and slice of cake yesterday would beg to differ), but I'm not working at my best.  I am much happier with a veggie-based diet and regular exercise.

Since the fall, my weight has fluctuated a bit.  I started grad school around 138 lbs.  By the end of first semester, I was around 143.  Nothing huge, but noticeable.  I took winter break to get down to 135 (for like a minute before I started creeping up again).  I've spent this semester below 140,
but I want more.

And because I do my best work with weight loss goals, I've decided that this summer is about habit building and losing 10 lbs.  I want to run again, I want to work out and eat fresh food.  With no homework again until August, my body will once again become a priority.  Today I ran for the first time in months.  I couldn't even do half a mile!  But I will not give up.  I will rebuild on my old habits, and hopefully by building those now, I will be much better able to maintain them next school year!

Thanks for all of your support as I work on this again!

Better late than never

Hello again blogging world!

Sorry for the brief hiatus.  I meant to write on the first but was honestly feeling unhappy with where my body was.  I had been hoping to write a glorious post about how I met a new fitness milestone.  Instead I will simply write that after two years I remain in the best shape of my life and can truly say that I'm a different person.  Because I'm proud of how far I've come, I want to share the details and then get into what it all means.

Numbers
I wanted to show progression here, so I've laid out my measurements over the last two years.

Weight
(Late December 2011):  About 190 lb. 
12/31/12: 167
1/16/13: 137 lb.
Total loss: -53 lb.

Measurements (in inches)
Body Part            2/12/12                  12/31/12                        1/16/13                    Total Loss
Bust:                      40,                           37,                                 33.5                             -6.5
Right arm:             14,                           14,                                  12                                -2
Left arm:               15,                           14,                                  12                                - 3
Waist:                    35,                            31,                                  27                               -8
Stomach:               40,                            38,                                 33.5                            -6.5
Hips:                     45,                            43,                                 39                                -6
Right thigh:           27,                          25.5,                                22.5                            -4.5
Left thigh:            26.5,                         25,                                   22                              -4.5
Total loss                                                                                                                       -41 inches

Clothing sizes
Top:                   XL/XXL,                    M,                                 S/XS                       -5 sizes
Bottom:              XL/14-16,                 L/10,                             S/M/4-6                     -5 sizes
Dress:                XL/14-16,                    12,                                  S/4-6                     -5 sizes

Not a fan of this one,  from 1/1/14

Feb 2012

Internal changes
It is no exaggeration to say that I am a different person.  When I think about who I was two years ago, or who I was at 17 and almost 200 lbs, I don't recognize her.  She is becoming a distant memory.

And I don't mean to suggest that I don't want to remember her or that I am embarrassed by her.  Rather, I am attempting to integrate that person into who I am today, one whole individual with faults and difficulties and a newly-formed, slammin bod.

More than the physical change, my mentality is totally different.  I love myself in ways I never dreamed possible.  Today I described part of my journey to a colleague.  I mentioned that I was disappointed with the lack of progress in my still rather large arms.  And then I was horrified when she suggested that I one day undergo plastic surgery to get my body to where I want it.

The truth is that with all of my faults I remain a perfect human.  Not in the way that photoshopped models in magazines are perfect but in the fact that the miracle of human life exists within me and pulses through every inch of my human body.  Every scar, flab, stretch mark, and section of dimpled flesh comes together to give me the power to be who I am.  I write papers with these stubby dry fingers; read and research social problems with my dark-circle/crows feet ridden eyes; I speak to survivors of domestic violence and their children with these cracked lips.  More than these physical imperfections I have an incredible brain that equally troubles me with forgotten memories, jumbled speech, and terrible math skills and still makes me who I am, all of those things combined.

Sure, I'm not totally there yet.  My mood swings still sweep me off my feet and land me in bed from time to time, but they are fewer and far between.  And sure, I gained five pounds during the semester, but I took it back off and I will continue to allow the occasional indulgence to balance out hours of stress related to school and work.

It's an incredible thing to discover yourself within yourself.  She's been there the whole time, buried below layers of traumatic memories and self deprecation.  I'm just so happy to have gotten this far.

A post like this deserves a cute pic of me (summer 2013)

The road ahead
I don't think I'm done yet.  School has caused me to step back in my activity level, you know, so I don't fail.  Well, I haven't failed yet so I'd like to find a way to succeed both in my academic goals as well as my mental/physical health goals.  I've signed up for a fitness program at school where they give you an assessment and tell you to work out for 150 mins/week for three months and measure the end result.  I think I can do it, my heart sure wants me to.

The bottom line is that every day is filled with choices.  I can choose to be healthy or I can choose to fall back on unhealthy patterns.  Each choice really is a challenge and I celebrate every good one, no matter how small.  I'd like to say I'll post more, but the odds of that are slim.  I will say that I hope that anyone reading this can take away that with all the pain and the struggle that I've been through, it really is possible and worth it to change your life into something more positive, whatever that means.  What looks like a mountain at first glance becomes a series of small steps that takes you to where you want to be.  I'll never stop climbing.

Enjoying life (Sept 2013)

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Friends, I have had some exciting news to share with you all for the past week.  Most of you know that about a week ago, a few friends and I completed a 5k.  I think I'll wait to post about that event in a later post.

For now, I want to share with you all that I did it.  Earlier this year I decided to set my weight goal at 145 pounds, or the start of the "healthy weight range" according to the BMI scale.  Today I write you weighing in at 144.  I'm wearing size small and 4/6s.

 

It's strange being here.  I've reached my goal but I still feel like I have quite a ways to go.  I feel so good about where I am.  I am a new woman.  In so many ways I have been reborn.

As a symbolic gesture of where I've been over the last few months, I've done something today that I've been preparing for since the beginning.  Today, I chopped off all my hair.

I've had cropped hair before.  When I was a kid my Granny would cut it up to my chin every summer.  2007 was the last time I had short hair because every time I saw my reflection in the mirror I was horrified at how fat my face looked with the cut.  I kept hearing JK Rowling describing Harry's cousin Dudley as, "a pig in a wig."  Since then I've looked on with envy at all the gorgeous short haircuts out there.  Now, at a healthy weight, I am no longer that girl.  I am in charge of my body, in charge of my cravings, in charge of my hair.  I love it.

So close, but right on schedule

Hello friends!

March is coming to a close and I'm very happy to report an exciting milestone.  I've now lost 40 lbs (and 30 inches!)!  That's right, as of this morning I'm weighing in at exactly 150.0.  This means I'm only 5 lbs away from a healthy weight range.  I can't quite put this feeling into words.  I've never been more proud of myself.  It's like I've climbed a mountain; just over a year ago I never thought I could live like this.  Now this is my life.  I'm the healthy one that people ask for advice.  I'm the one being called an inspiration.  More than that, I'm taking steps towards becoming the person I always wanted to be. 

I always pictured myself as being very active and adventurous, but my weight and accompanying physical limitations kept me from realizing that.  I fantasized about running through the woods, kayaking on the ocean, rock climbing, exploring new territories.  I watched movies about people who did those things, passively exploring the life that I could never have.  That disconnect has been partly responsible for years of depression.  My body wouldn't allow me to be the person that my brain admired.  I know I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I've ever been.

This hasn't been easy, but I'm so excited for this post next month that I actually start to love the challenge.

What's Changed

As some of you may know, my husband was recently in Uganda for almost two months.  Before he left I decided to take that time as an opportunity to put myself first.  I had been in a weight loss rut for about 6 months and I was determined to get out of it.  I had been pushing myself harder in the gym and that wasn't doing anything for me so I decided to take a renewed look at the way I eat.  I thought about the last time I lost 30 pounds, when I was in high school.  I recall that it fell off with minimal effort.  At the time my sister was home cooking food under the South Beach Diet, and while I was still eating what I wanted away from home the weight came off. 

So I started to do a little research to figure out if it was something I could do again (spoiler alert: I did).  While I still don't claim to know the intricacies of the diet, I do know that it's comprised of three phases.  The first two weeks are the strictest.  During this phase your body goes through detox to help get rid of the cravings for the crappy food you (I) normally eat by avoiding any carbohydrates, certain fats, and foods that are high on the glycemic index, like fruit.  After two weeks you move to phase two where you incorporate some of those foods back into your diet, like whole grains, most fruit and good fats until you reach your ideal weight and then in phase three you maintain your weight by only eating crappy food in moderation (I think that's about once a week, maybe less).

Two weeks didn't seem so bad.  I gave phase one a try and lost six pounds!  The weight just fell off and it really boosted my confidence/determination.  I hadn't intended to continue to phase two but I think I'm basically in phase two now.

Since this time I've been going a different route.  After watching a few amazing nutritional documentaries like Forks Over Knives, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, and Hungry For Change (all of which are available on Netflix), I've started thinking about food a little differently.  I've come to realize that I had been addicted to sugar, and that this addiction was going to kill me.  I stopped trying to maintain the South Beach Diet and instead looked towards transitioning to a whole foods, plant based diet.  Since this time I'm losing 1-2 pounds a week.  Every time I look in the mirror I'm a different person and I'm only about 8 pounds away from the "healthy" region of the BMI.

More than anything I'm just really proud of myself.  I've had cakes, cookies, candies, chocolates all waved in front of my eyes but I've only given in to temptation maybe twice in two months, and even then it was in moderation.  The best part is to discover that once you get started it's actually very easy to keep up with.  It just takes a little planning and creativity, and the key is to never let yourself get hungry.  I know what it's like to eat convenience foods and to allow yourself to give into temptation, but believe me when I say that this is so much better.  I am what I eat.  I used to be pounds of sugar, oils, fats, and meat.  Now I'm closer to a cute little zucchini! 

 Let me know if you're giving this a try!  I have a ton of recipes and a Google spreadsheet of meals and menus that I can share with you for ideas!

Overview and Accomplishments of 2012

I can't believe that it was just about a year ago that I decided to get serious about my health.  My New Years Resolution for 2012 was to get healthy, and now that the year is over, I can finally say that I've accomplished this goal.  In the spirit of honest sharing and reflection, I am excited to share some details on what this all means for me.

Because of my bad blogger habits, this is going to be a bit of a long post, I'm first going to list how this process has changed me physically, I'll next review some details on how I've changed mentally and emotionally.  Finally, I want to look ahead at some ideas of what's to come for 2013.  I'll also likely end this post with a renewed commitment to write more, which I inevitably will fail (hey, a girl has to maintain some imperfections), but I want to encourage my readers to ask me questions or request topics for future posts.  This is a tell-all blog and I'm happy to discuss what's on your mind.

Physical Change

Let's start with a little imagery:

Left: December 2011, Right: December 2012 (I've lost another 2 lbs since then)

Initial Stats

Weight (Late December 2011):
About 190 lbs 

Measurements (in inches--February 12, 2012):

• Bust: 40
• Right arm: 14
• Left arm: 15
• Waist: 35
• Stomach: 40
• Hips: 45
• Right thigh: 27
• Left thigh: 26.5

Clothing sizes (Late December 2011, but these sizes had been pretty standard for me for 4-6 or so years):

• Top: XL (though I had purchased an XXL)
• Bottom: Large 14s
• Dress: XL or 14-16

New Stats

Weight (December 31, 2012):

167 lbs. (minus 23 lbs.) In only three more pounds, I will be the smallest I've ever been since I began tracking my weight.

Measurements (in inches--December 31, 2012):

• Bust:37 (minus three inches)
• Right arm: 14 (no change :( )
• Left arm: 14 (minus one inch)
• Waist: 31 (minus four inches)
• Stomach: 38 (minus two inches)
• Hips: 43 (minus two inches)
• Right thigh: 25.5 (minus one and a half inches)
• Left thigh: 25 (minus one and a half inches)
• Total loss: 15 inches!!

Clothing sizes (December 31, 2012(ish)):

• Top: M
• Bottom: 10
• Dress: (haven't tried on dresses since I fit perfectly into size 12, 6 lbs ago)

Truly the best part of this process is discovering my body.  As I lose weight, I'm not shaping myself into someone else's image, rather, I'm uncovering who I really am, below the layers.  I reach up and feel a  collar bone, my belly now actually curves inward (when I suck in and only just before it curves outwards).  I can feel my pelvic bone when in the past I simply had to take their word for its existence.  When I flex, I have these gorgeous muscles.  In a skirt I actually like the way my legs look, for the first time ever.

I'm running.  Well, I'm mostly jogging, but one day I will run without pause.  I have increased my weight on the lat pulldown machine from 40 lbs to 80.  I can also bench press 40 lbs (this one has proven a bigger challenge).  And best of all, I have accomplished what I call my secret goal.  For the first time in my life I can touch my toes.  Even as a child I couldn't manage it and now, for all of 5 seconds, if I breathe in and brace myself, it really happens.

Mental and Emotional Change

What an unbelievable year this has been. In so many ways, this year has been one of the most significant years of my life.  Personally, professionally, and physically I've been through so much.  When I started this journey I was looking to tip-toe into some small changes that would improve my physical health.  There was of course some vanity as well.  I generally accepted and appreciated my looks, but I knew I could look better with some weight loss, but most of all I wanted to feel better about who I was.  I hated that I was always the fattest girl in the room, that I was tired all the time, and that I would run out of breath from walking up a flight of stairs.  At the same time, I was also stubborn and in some denial about all of this.  I was convinced that the things I heard about healthy eating and exercise were somehow unfair, somehow false and set an impossible standard for average women to live up to.  I was proud of my curves.  My husband loved them and I had begun to occasionally enjoy them too.  I fantasized about being some kind of plus-sized spokeswoman, speaking out for voluptuous women like myself.

Now I recognize this denial.  It was hard for me to appreciate the connection between what I was doing to my body and what that meant for my health.  I focused on the fact that my size was only slightly bigger than average and ignored that not only was that an inaccurate picture of my health, but that average sizes in the US do not equal healthy sizes.  I still believe in curves.  In fact, I've learned that the only way to get through this process is to just love my body for exactly what it is, despite the wobbly bulges and the gigantic, slightly lopsided, pear shape.  In fact, in a few more pounds, I plan to show a bit more skin in my pictures.  I hope to feel confident enough to share my stretch marks on my stomach (I don't care if you don't want to see it, I'll show it to you anyway).

I'm more confident than I've ever been.  This is not simply a lose weight =confidence equation.  I feel free to be myself.  I do some silly squats and make what have been referred to as "sex sounds" when I work out...in front of people I don't know.  I do it because I want to, because the motions make my legs strong and the noises somehow make me feel more powerful.

I'm also happier than I've ever been.  I have had anxiety and depression on and off pretty much forever (who hasn't though, right?).  Sometimes, including a few times this year, it got pretty intense to where I didn't want to get out of bed each day.  But somehow I made it through.  This year it was all too obvious to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mood is much more stable and I know that it has been a direct result of just getting physical activity, leaving out the thrill of reaching goals.

I also want to express how grateful I am for all of the support I've received this year.  The smiles, the well wishes, the thoughts of encouragement, and most of all the discussions and insights on health issues have all kept me going this year.  I specifically want to thank my coworkers for being a first line of support.  Not only were they the first ones to notice that I was losing weight, but they were often right there with me to cheer me on and offer tips and suggestions.  My husband has also been my biggest fan this year.  He works out with me, eats the healthy food, and helps me question (and sometimes give into) cravings as needed. 

Looking ahead

Losing weight and getting healthy has taught me how much weight I have to lose to actually be healthy.  When this year started I truly believed (but never would have admitted) that by this time those small steps would have lead to me weighing in at the dream weight of somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 lbs.  I'm obviously no where near that.  I haven't given up this dream goal, but I also haven't determined that it will ever become an actual goal.  I've been asked how much more I want to lose and the truth is I don't know.  I know that I'm capable of losing much much more, but because I haven't looked at these numbers on the scale since before I developed breasts, I just don't know what my adult body needs.  I'm not yet looking at a final number, just taking it one obtainable goal at a time.  Right now I want to lose 20 more pounds.  Once that happens I'll re-evaluate what else needs to happen.  

I guess that's my big resolution for 2013.  For the first time in my life it's not "get healthy," it's, "stay healthy."  In the last few weeks I've been on the South Beach Diet, and I look forward to continuing this as my vehicle for better health.

I also have a new NYR that I'm still ironing out.  I want to develop better coping skills.  In the past I've coped with stress and depression with food and sleep, and this of course lead me down a destructive path.  I'm hoping to start graduate school this year, which will accompany a pretty large move and a significant decrease in our income.  I worry about how I will cope with this stress and I have a few months to start to build some new skills.

I also hope (though can't promise) that I'll write in my blog more.  Perhaps I can commit to once a month.  I clearly need to do an update on how my actual diet and exercise has changed because there are some pretty big differences there that I can share.

That's all for this year.  Thank you for your support, and I wish you the best of luck meeting your health goals for 2013!

Checking back in

My last post was just over three months ago.  During this time a few things have happened.  Right at the height of my weight loss and overall physical improvement, I fell into some mild to moderate depression and found myself crashing back to the usual sources of comfort--junk food, tv, and a cozy bed.  I gained 6 pounds in three weeks, and was back up to 181.

Once I finally decided to get back on track, I found myself feeling much like I did in January, that everything I wanted to accomplish was impossible.  I was starting back at square one.  It took me weeks to move from eating well to going to the gym, and once I did, it seemed as though my body had forgotten what I had worked towards those few months ago.  I was wobbly, and awkward, and sore, and tired.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't really the same woman I was in January.  Those months of exercise were still in me, and after a few weeks, I was greatly improved.

This past week has been my best yet.  I worked out five times (as apposed to the Saturday/Sunday only routine).  I ate delicious salads every day for lunch.  And today when I stepped back on the scale, I found a body that was...exactly the same as it was last week.  In fact, between the scale, the measuring tape, and trying on clothes last night, my body hasn't changed at all during this period of success.  I've re-lost a total of 4 pounds, and as try as I might, I can't seem to push through the final two.

So today I ask, "What can I do to move forward?"  I think that somehow I've found myself feeling the opposite of what I was feeling a year or so ago.  It used to be that eating right was easy and exercising was hard.  Now I know that exercise is easy and eating right is hard.  I may think that I'm eating healthy, but there are other factors to consider--sodium levels, diet coke intake, hidden steps that go into processed, "healthy" food.  A few chips as I make dinner might be what I want right now, but won't do me any favors in the long run.

Today I've decided to start something new.  Before I prepare something to eat, I want to ask myself, "am I hungry, or am I just thirsty?" and, "am I making the right choice by eating this?"  If not, I want to know what is driving me towards this choice, and what I can do to either eliminate it, or reduce it's affect on my body.

Let's see if that works.  If this remains stagnant for a few weeks, I may need to consider checking in with a doctor to see what else might be at work here.  Isaac's convinced that it just takes time.  I'm tired of giving it time.  I'm creeping up to one year at this NYR, and I want to feel like a different person than I was last year.

After six months...

It has now been over six months since I started this journey.  I am happy to say that I've come very far since my first post this year.  I've had many ups and downs throughout this process, including more recently when I gained five pounds and lost the momentum that I've worked so hard to build. 

Today I am a different woman than the one who began this blog, not just the one who wrote again in January but the person I've been my whole life.  My sedentary lifestyle was so comfortable and natural that I couldn't imagine being anything else. When I compared myself to the beautiful women that surround me in movies, magazines, at work or just on the street, I simply knew that I could never have what I saw in them, so I accepted defeat.  I've come to realize that I had a problem.  It was more than just being depressed or lazy or tired or even just misinformed.  I was afraid.  I was afraid to try because I was afraid to fail. 

Six months ago I told myself that I was going to ignore those impulses that have become ingrained into my being.  I decided that drinking a glass of water was a major accomplishment.  When I allowed myself to be excited about and proud of those miniscule accomplishments, I slowly began to shed that fear of failure.  Even on those early days that I failed I decided that I was still succeeding, and that motivated me to do something a little bigger, a little harder. 

These last few weeks/months have been a major challenge.  My willpower decreased but it never disappeared.  I was on the verge of slipping back into my old ways, obsessed with the fact that I had not been losing weight.  Filled with bitterness, I found subtle ways to punish myself for it. 

After some major reflection I came to realize that my priorities had gotten lost.  I started this journey with one goal: to be healthier.  Being a healthy person does not necessarily mean constantly losing pounds.  Being healthy means eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise.  And those two things are so small and so easy that I simply had to refocus my energy to those goals.

While running on the treadmill today I thought about the challenge of a hard workout.  The sweat trickling down my forehead towards my cheek, the way my muscles shake from exhaustion, and of course the continued pain the next day that tells me that I've done something really good, for me.  That pain represents what I had been afraid of-all the sweat, the grunting challenge of it all.  Now that pain is what motivates me.  Sure, there are times when I don't want to work out.  But when I'm in the thick of it, I'm happier than I've almost ever been.  I feel strong and sexy and free.

Two weeks ago I shot up to 177.  Today I weigh 174.  Tomorrow I could weigh 175, 178 even.  As long as I focus on what really matters--my health and happiness, the rest of it will come and go along the way.  I still have a weight loss goal, and I'm still going to celebrate when/if I hit it.  For now I have to just be happy with this slow journey and small successes.

It's finally happened!

 That's right everyone, I've reached my very first weight loss goal.  In the last 4.5 months, I have lost 15 lbs., taking my weight from about 190 to 175.  I'm finally at the weight that I feel comfortable in.  At this weight, I feel way more like me.  From here on out, it's real weight loss.  I haven't been below 175 since 2009, so I can't wait for the coming weeks.

So far, that 15 lbs. represents 8.5 inches lost overall.  It's been small increments of both pounds and inches, but it is in moments like this one that makes the tortured waiting seem worth while.  At this rate it will take about 8 months to reach my overall goal of 150lbs.  Isaac mentioned that it doesn't have to take that long if I work more at it (today was the first day in a week that I've gone to the gym).  I think that's true, and I think I will have spurts of hard work coming up, but as usual, I don't want to start with something I can't handle.  If I take 8 more months I will have completed my goal in about a year, and maybe that's okay.

The downside of the gym: The STARING

Most people have the same icky feeling about the gym, "It'd be better if there weren't all those people there, with their eyes."  In my case there typically aren't many people there, outside of a few specific times throughout the day/week.  9:00am on Saturday and Sunday used to be my time.  Unfortunately, one person ruined that for me.  This man, I call him the mountain goat, comes in every Saturday/Sunday at about 9:00, and I recently had to start waiting until 10 or 11 to go to the gym because of him.

The mountain goat used to just be funny.  In the last year of working out, I've probably seen him down there 10-15 times.  He is a short little man with a noticeable Napoleon complex.  Every time he's in the gym he does the same thing.  He gets on the treadmill for I think 30 or 60 minutes, cranks up the speed and the incline, and then holds on to the top of the machine for dear life as his legs flail about like a cartoon.  As he struggles up his mountain (see, the mountain goat), sweat pours off of him so profusely that the bottom of the treadmill is permanently stained with huge drops of sweat.  To make things worse, when he gets off he goes over to the trashcan, takes off his sticky tank-top, and rings it out. 

You might be wondering two things: why do I sound so hateful about this seemingly innocent behavior, and why do I know so much about his habits?  Well like I said, it used to just be funny, until it became personal.  The structure of our gym is important here.  We have two treadmills that are next to each other, facing a wall-sized mirror.  As I run on one, the mountain goat repeatedly looks over and just stares at me (see image above for a visual).  Here I am, self-conscious, sweaty, trying to zone in on my workout, when this creepy little man is looking me up and down.  There is literally nothing but a blank wall beyond me, so there is no reason for his head to be turned my way.

Doesn't he know that as I stare ahead at the mirror, I can see exactly what he's doing?  I try to glare back at him, but every time I do, he's not looking at me anymore and I worry that he thinks I'm staring as well.  It makes my blood boil.  I get so worked up thinking about what to say.  Do I tell him to knock it off?  Do I ask him what his problem is?  Do I just tell him it makes me uncomfortable?  No, I just avoid going when I think he's there.

And then that feeling of being violated escalates as he takes off his shirt IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, so I can't help but notice and want to barf.  I mean, do that when no one's around, there's a bathroom, a bathroom with privacy and a door!  You don't do stuff like that with a woman around!

I can't be the only one who experiences this.  I went too early last weekend and unfortunately had to leave when he walked in.  Now I know not to go between 8:30 and 10:30.

Weight Loss Math

Weight loss is about a special kind of math.  You have to count pounds of fat, such as the one pound of fat pictured above; pounds of weights; numbers of cups, tablespoons, and teaspoons; minutes on the treadmill; number of crunches, and squats.  Most complicated of all, it's counting calories.

I will never be one of those women who counts each calorie that goes into her mouth.  But I do think it's important to know the calories/portion sizes in the food you buy.  I also think it's important to know how those calories affect weight loss.

It is mostly accepted (though apparently controversial) that it takes a 3500 calorie deficit to lose one pound.  If this is true, it means that I've lost 24,500 calories.  It also means that I have 105,000 calories left to reach my big goal weight.  Only 35,000 calories to meet my next milestone weight.

In the article I read that taught me the above, I learned that you burn more calories during the day than you do in the one hour at the gym.  It makes sense.  Every motion we make burns calories.  One extra effort I've been trying to make in this area is to do extra house work.  I have a dishwasher but I wash several dishes by hand.

There are people in this world who actually work to solve the answer to how many calories we burn during mundane activities.  According to this Discovery Health article, brushing your teeth for at least two minutes burns 5.7 calories.  Dusting your house for 30 minutes burns 80 calories, which is way fewer than this much more exciting activity-kissing for 30 minutes only burns 36 calories.  For me though, the calories that I deserve to burn more than any other are the 72 calories I burn for each hour spent watching TV.

How much is too much?

When this process started I convinced myself that I was not doing this to see a smaller number on the scale or the tag on my clothes.  I weighed myself as a progress check, but the more numbers that fell off, the more addicting it became.  I crave weight loss, but how much?  How much can I handle?  How hard can I go before I break?

That's the fear; that's the way I conceptualize where this is going.  I see myself as having a wall around me and to cross it or break through is impossible, if not dangerous.  I live within this boundary, afraid of the pain that is awaiting for me on the other side.  I'm certain that going out of my box is the first step towards failure.  But now I want to really question that and consider whether I'm underestimating those boundaries.

Maybe pain and danger aren't right in this case.  Failure is the key word here.  I'm so afraid of discovering my limit that I don't know if I've ever really tried to find it.  The past few weeks I've found myself busier than I have been in quite a while.  I haven't had the time or ability to go to the gym, and my determination to eat healthy has faltered.  Is this okay?  Am I allowing myself those realistic set backs?  I said that I would.  I said that I wanted to achieve what was reasonable, what was my small victories.  But where has that lead me?  I've lost 7 lbs. in 4 months.  That's nothing.  That's almost laughable.  Sure, if this continues it could lead to a big number, but the way I've been lately has me thinking that the day the scale reads that magic number will never happen.

So what do I do?  Where do I push?  With every doable suggestion that crosses my brain, I cannot help but think about the failure.  Right now the wall I'm hitting is the one that's telling me that even if I go all out and lose 2 lbs. a week until I hit the magic number, what happens a year from that day?  How long can I really keep that up?  I'll never be able to maintain that weight and I don't think I can handle another round of weight gain. 

Today at the gym I had all of this in mind.  I wanted to try it out.  I normally do about 100 crunches, usually 25 at a time until I hit 100.  I was reaching 20, feeling the burn in my stomach, the acid creeping up my esophagus, but I made it to 50 before I fell back.  I did finish 100.  Later on the treadmill I wanted to test how long I could jog at once.  I normally can only keep up speed for about 30 seconds before I let myself walk.  I had a goal of 1 minute.  It quickly turned into 2.  I stopped at 3.

These aren't rhetorical questions.  Any suggestions or advice is most welcome.  I want to try out different suggestions and find something that seems to work.

If they're going to be fat, they might as well be strong

As you know, I am most self conscious about my arms.  You can see why in my first ever blog post.  The way they jiggle, smack against me as I run, and the way they take up most of my profile are all reasons why I hate them.  They are two oversize bags of vanilla pudding.  They are a skinny woman's thighs.  They are what I want to change the most.  The good news is that I've taken this hatred and turned it into something cool.  I am now becoming a master of lifting weights.  I started this under the false impression that lifting weights would lead to burning fat in my arms.  I now know that you cannot make the body burn fat in any specific location.  It simply burns fat where it wants, and sometimes it's in my arms.  Regardless, there are some amazing benefits to this new endeavor, and I want to share them with you today.

According to this Women's Health article, a mere 21% of women strength train two or more times a week.  It goes on to say, "Those two sessions can reduce overall body fat by about three percentage points in just 10 weeks, even if you don't cut a single calorie."  I think women avoid weights because they fear that it will cause them to bulk up and look manly.  The bottom line is that women's bodies are not designed to do this.  We don't have enough testosterone to support such a change.  Lifting weights builds muscle, which burns fat and boosts your metabolism.  Not only that, but lifting weights is fun and interesting; it makes me feel strong. 

When I started this process I purchased a pair of 5 lb weights from Target for $16.  I highly recommend the investment.  There are five key muscle groups to target when doing an upper body workout: chest, shoulders, back, biceps and triceps.  It's important to hit each one and try different techniques for each area.  Let me take a step back.  I want this to be accessible, so in this next session I'm actually going to get into the very basics of how to lift weights.

The basics
The standard thought on conceptualizing lifting weights involves sets and reps.  When I lifted weights in high school with my mom and sister, we'd typically do something like three sets for each muscle group, 5-7 repetitions (reps) of the motion.  In between sets, it's generally thought that you should rest for about 30 seconds.

According to (my favorite website) ivillage, it is actually bad to rest between sets.  The article I linked, 11 exercise myths, says, "Stopping to rest for a minute or so after every exercise can sabotage results. 'Too much rest lets lactic acid dissipate,' said Rubenstein. And muscle growth (and tone and definition) requires lactic acid. Instead, keep up the intensity by moving quickly from one exercise to the next. 'You should be somewhat recovered but not completely,' says Rubenstein. If you can do 15 reps the first set, and one or two fewer on the next, you're on the right track."

Because of this, I've been doing many more reps.  I think my 5 lb weights are getting a little light for me, so I find myself doing about 20 reps of each exercise.  As with most exercise, the key here is form and control.  It's better to use a lighter weight and do the motion correctly than it is to stress your body too quickly using something 5 lbs. too heavy.  For example, when doing a bicep curl, the idea is to keep your body still, lock your elbows at your side and only raise your forearm.  Never allow your arms to lock or you'll stress the muscle.  I also have to focus extra hard to keep my core in check. 


Suggested exercises
First of all, it just occurred to me that I no longer know the names of most of the workouts I do.  So I'm going to start by sending you to this really cool website with some tutorials and suggested workouts.

As for the ones I do remember or was able to describe well in the search bar, here are some suggestions.  First is the concentration curl.  I like to hold both weights in one hand when I do this one.  There is also the dumbbell lateral raise which, while I am suggesting you try it, is really hard.  My biggest accomplishment in life is that I'm finally able to do this exercise without making a stupid face.  This last one is another favorite.  It's the dumbbell triceps extension.  I also do this one with two weights.

Please feel free to ask questions or give any suggestions.  This is such a great and useful workout.  I hope you decide to try it out!

Progress Photo

I can't believe it's been almost a whole month since my last post!  I am not quitting on you now, I've just been extremely busy and unfortunately this blog moved down low on my priorities list.  I'd like to take this opportunity to present my first two comparison photos.  These two pictures might be unfair comparisons because they were taken at different angles and wearing slightly different clothes (yes, I know that I own two practically identical tank tops), but I like to think that the picture on the bottom shows a narrower face, waist, and arms (though those have barely reduced).  Even if there is no real change, I'll accept my new photo as progress.

2/6/12

3/17/12

While I might have had progress since beginning this activity, it has really slowed in the last few weeks.  I was away this weekend and was unable to workout Saturday or Sunday, or do my measurements.  I did, however, run 1 mile in under 15 minutes on Friday (it's a long story, but that's huge progress from my 18 minute miles I was doing before), I also hiked up a mountain on Saturday for about 2 hours.  According to my measurements taken on March 11, I've still only lost 5 pounds in total but have lost 6 inches off my body.  The weird progress here is that 4 of those inches have come off while maintaining my current weight.  In addition to the jeans that used to refuse to button just months ago, last night I tried on several tops that fit like they did several years ago or better.  One of my favorite shirts was always a little snug in the arms, but last night was probably looser than ever before.

I know I owe a longer post, but this is all I have in me for now.  More to come later!

One Week at a Time

It's ironic. My last post dealt with stress and this week ended up being one of the most stressful weeks of my life. The irony here is that while I was expecting stress, new things kept popping up to make it worse and worse. You know how it is...you think things have reached the lowest of the low and then your car gets towed. No, seriously, my car got towed on Thursday.

Like last week, these painful moments in life take a toll on my goals. In truth, since I've started working out I've stopped making eating goals. But you get my meaning. How can I follow the basic rules when I'm ready to rip out my hair?

As the week started and I felt like my world was spinning out of control I had no appetite. Of course I was eating, but for the first time in my life my response to stress was to eat less. I even bought a really expensive bar of dark chocolate to nibble on, just in case (I read that dark chocolate, 70% or higher, is better for cravings because it's a bit healthier, and because the strong flavor makes you eat less). I think it was Tuesday night that I found myself eating two bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch for dinner. I justified it because I barely at that day. Then on Thursday I found myself gorging. I needed bread and our work retreat had some really delicious, bready options. Unfortunately one day of gorging leads to more. I bought a deep dish pizza with cheesy bread last night and had three pieces of each. It was delicious, but I should have at least gotten thin crust.

Through the week I was actually able to workout on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday. Unfortunately I had more pressing issues (like getting my car back) that prevented me from working out on those days I didn't.

The good news is, while my weight is remaining the same, I've lost two inches in total (half an inch here and there on different parts).

This post is kind of hard to write. I don't blame you if you didn't read this far. The reason I'm writing it is because when I started this blog I wanted to be honest about the things I think we all struggle with but are too afraid to say. I don't want this blog to only reflect the easy moments in this journey. It's really, really hard. It gets a bit easier every day, but there are these continual stumbling blocks that life just has to throw our way no matter what. I can either throw in the towel or just keep swimming.

Giving up lead me to where I was in December: almost 190 lbs. and feeling incredibly depressed about my life. Now I'm down to 182. I've lost 5 lbs. and 4 inches. Yes, it is a struggle each day to stick to it, and I sometimes don't. But I have to convince myself that it's worth it. Even if the numbers stand still, it has to be worth it.

And then life happened

This week, my journey has taken an unfortunate turn. While I exercised vigorously on Sunday and Monday, I didn't get to the gym again until this morning. That means that I took 4 days off, which is supposed to be a big no-no. Rather than getting angry at myself, I want to dig deeper and understand what happened.

Work

My first and most obvious answer here is that I had to work extra hours almost every night this week. I started a new project this week. If you're wondering, it's an evaluation of HIV/AIDS funding streams in South Africa. I thought that this new project would be a small intro into evaluations (something that my firm specializes in, but I have never worked on). I was convinced it would be easy and perhaps even fun-an interesting challenge. Unfortunately it is becoming very clear that I was wrong. My work load is getting much bigger than I thought. My other 7 projects are also in a critical stage and it's looking like the coming weeks are going to be a bit hellish.

Stress

The other element here, that coincides with work is stress. I have been feeling particularly stressed out with this new project. I didn't want to make it a header, but it's also that time of the month, so I'm particularly sensitive to stress and other emotional factors. On Wednesday I actually had my workout clothes on, but simply couldn't get past the first 5 minutes of my workout video. I just felt exhausted. My mind was racing and my body wasn't getting it like it was last time.

I allowed myself to take the break from the workout if I did some research into stress and stress management.

Stress can do some pretty harmful things to our bodies. According to the Mayo Clinic, " Stress that's left unchecked can contribute to health problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity and diabetes." Check out the article I found that from, it has an interesting table that shows the different areas stress can affect: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D.

Additionally, stress is linked to cortisol production in the body, cortisol is a hormone that causes your blood pressure and blood sugar levels to increase. It also causes a buildup of unhealthy fat around the abdomen because it blocks insulin from breaking that down.

Basically stress is a bigger problem than many of us might realize. I just keep thinking back to Friday, as my heart rate was up high, my mood was down quite low, and I felt like there was no way for me to finish work before 5:00. Time and time again I've had the debilitating feeling, that weight that pulls me down, makes me slow and very stressed. Of course my next question is-how do I stop or at least manage these stresses?

Stress Relief

One site, I think it was ivillage, suggested that because stress is linked to weight gain, it is good to meditate and practice relaxation exercises for at least ten minutes each day at work.

The Mayo Clinic suggests a few relaxation techniques that are quite similar to meditation. Here's a few that might be doable:

• Autogenic relaxation. Autogenic means something that comes from within you. In this relaxation technique, you use both visual imagery and body awareness to reduce stress. You repeat words or suggestions in your mind to relax and reduce muscle tension. For example, you may imagine a peaceful setting and then focus on controlled, relaxing breathing, slowing your heart rate, or feeling different physical sensations, such as relaxing each arm or leg one by one.

• Visualization. In this relaxation technique, you form mental images to take a visual journey to a peaceful, calming place or situation. During visualization, try to use as many senses as you can, including smell, sight, sound and touch. If you imagine relaxing at the ocean, for instance, think about such things as the smell of salt water, the sound of crashing waves and the warmth of the sun on your body. You may want to close your eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing.

The article goes on to suggest that it is important to practice these methods, because it takes practice to really get them down and actually lead to health benefits. Now, I'm not sure if I will actually meditate at work, I share an office with two other women, but I do plan to start trying some of this out.

Update

Before I close out today, I have some exciting news! Even though I barely worked out and ate, well, junk all week, I have actually lost 2 pounds since last weekend! This brings my total weight loss to 5 pounds since Christmas.

Quick Update

Okay, okay, yesterday's post may have been a bit hasty. While I'm still disappointed in my poundage, I measured myself this morning and found that I've lost 2 inches off my waist (from 35 to 33, I know you're curious) since January 22. I had planned to wait until February 22 to re-measure, but I needed to feel better. Bad news is, every other measurement is still the same. Maybe I should look on the bright side, because who knows how many inches I could have gained had I not been changing my ways.

Gym update
Yesterday at the gym I felt similar struggles to keep up a fast pace. I know that putting the treadmill on a steep incline and speed walking can be just as effective, I was looking forward to running again, but just couldn't quite get there. Even with 10 minutes warming up I found myself being held back with the strenuous jog. Today I spent 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, hopped on the treadmill, and again found myself going way faster than I normally do. Now, I had it on a much lower incline than normal so I can't say for sure that it was the bike that did the trick, but I can say that I was able to go twice as fast for twice as long for a whopping 25 minutes.

And boy, did I sweat. I never realized how fantastic sweat is. I love that feeling of it seeping down, soaking my clothes. I love wiping my hand across my forehead and then my hand across my shirt. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets me as sweaty as the treadmill, and it is by far the most liberating feeling of my life.